Conscription

By March or April everyone at school was begging for summer

but not me

I remember year after year I got judgmental stares

When in a crowd of summer fever

I said I didn't want school to end.

looks of disgust

when I said I loved school

when I said I hated summer.

The desks give me a sense of stability

The teachers gave me attention and affection I so desperately needed

The books let me escape into my imagination

The math problems no one else answered made me feel accomplished

for once

My grades on a slip of paper were the one thing that could bring me praise

Because it seemed I wasn't good at anything else

the bookworm

the nerd

the freak

the teacher's pet

that

was me.

Back then school was a home to me when going to my house felt like going to war.

I'd pick up my bag and sit in the soldier-bus in silence

until my feet greeted the doorstep

I'd take a deep breath

preparing for the explosions and casualties

and I'd open the door

quietly

careful to be unnoticed by my enemy.

My room was the panic-pit of safety

in a minefield waiting for its victim to emerge

At school, my home, I didn't have to worry about mistakes

and I rarely made any

But in that house

it was a different story

one slip-up

and hell itself would greet me

An open hand would pull the trigger

a purple stain was the bullet wound

and the words would set off bombs in my mind

destroying the dwindling fields of self-esteem and emotional stability

war-knives engraved memories

traumatization came easily.

I may have been a soldier,

but I had no strength to lift a gun

pointed at someone I both feared

and loved.

Morning was my shipment home

battle-wounds hidden under clothing

A teacher's smiling face would greet me

and I'd find a family-like net of safety

The other kids may laugh and shame me

but at home I was invincible

I couldn't be touched

and my self-esteem was too nonexistent to be knocked down.

I'd collect report cards like pictures of loved ones to keep me company

At home I didn't have to think of the war at that house

I could pretend it never happened

pretend hard corners of walls caused those stains

Summer was the longest active duty

until years later

when the soldier decided

to raise the gun.