Confronting the Empty Side of My Bed

I lay there, unmoving out of fear of warming the sheets to the side of me, giving me the false illusion of them being occupied.

I curl my toes then uncurl them just to curl them again trying to get some warmth to heat the flesh. I stop, realising it sends shoots of false hope whizzing up my bones and into my head causing me to wince at the memories it uncovers.

The covers that blanket me from the monsters under my bed I- I mean in my head, rise faster every time the Tempo of my breathing quickens with the thoughts of the empty space next to me. The flower patched martial gives me no source of comfort or contentment, gives me no reassurement that you'rr going to once again return and stop me having to confront the empty side of my bed.

But you haven’t and you won’t, for the sheets that are hooked onto my mattress holding on 'til they again to need changing, have grown too cold for you to rest your tired body on. They have stopped smelling like that washing powder you adored as I can’t bear the memory the smell brings. The memory of you breathing in the sent, pushing your nose so close to the sheets that it sinks into the memory form. NO stop please don’t let me overthink the loss I can’t bear. Don’t let me go into the dark warehouse of my mind and blow the dust off the top of the boxes that hold my deepest darkest secrets that made you leave.

You told me to open up but how can I when my vocal cords seize up every time I tried to tell you. Tell you that I'm damaged beyond repair. You can't fix me, even you aren't strong enough to stop me from going into the dark parts of my mind and curling up in a ball until I feel it's safe to come out again.

This is the first night in a long time that I've actually gotten into this bed. I've been falling asleep on the sofa, waking up in the middle of the night while sports centre tells me all the highlights. I now know that New Patriots nil and Seattle Seahawks 17. I now know I need a new sofa to sleep on as the old one is being deformed from my lifeless body resting on it all the time. And I now know that you are never coming back, like ever. Oh god I sound like a Taylor Swift song but you have to understand these are the lyrics to my life but in fact the lyrics to my downfall.

Before I even got into the sheets I paced back and forth, weighing the positives and negatives on the scale in my head. There was a balance between them so I just took a deep breath and clambered on it, pushing any and all memories of you that would stop me from confronting the empty side of my bed... but my depression always pulls me back to my bed before that too will needed changing.