*After everything went downhill...*
Where's the message?
Now I'm staring at my phone
Waiting for a text from you
Every single time it lights up
My heart skips a beat and I hold my breath
I read the name...and it's someone else...
Why?
Did I make the wrong decision?
I don't even know why I decided him anymore...
What's going on?
I hate myself so much sometimes...
What do I do?
Tell me...
Why is it that I'm looking for you around each and every corner now?
What have you done to my heart that now it waits for you?
What spell did you cast?
I want to know...
Because clearly I've lost my mind...
I don't know what's going on...
I'm sorry...
I'll say it a million times...
But why do I put my phone down and wait until I see a bright light insinuating someone messaged me...
Waiting until it says your nickname followed by your birthday...
I can't make it anymore obvious can I?
That I'm confused and don't know what to do anymore?
Not like I've ever known
But I felt safe with you
And now I'm anxious and confused...
You told me we have to gamble on life sometimes
But I now know this is a gamble I'm willing to take
What do you do when you're unsure if everything you want is in the person you chose?
When it might be in someone else..
Someone you know could treat you right
And you'll never have to second guess.
Never wonder what went wrong
Or what to do
Or whether or not to bring something up
Because they want to hear it all...
The good and the bad...
They don't want to change you, only enhance you...
What do you do?...
What do I do?...
Especially when I sat there all night...
Knowing all I wanted to do was kiss you one last time...
God! Fuck this...
Can't we just keep this cat and mouse game a little longer?
Why?
Why is it that I can't stop thinking?
Why can't I fight my thoughts to hold your arm and cuddle up with you?
Why is it that I can't fight my thoughts of kissing you?
Why is it that you're all that's on my mind now?
What is going on?
What's happening?
Why is it that all I want to do is cuddle up with you while you're gaming?
Stealing kisses in between and going back into my phone?
Why can't I do that?
Why can't I think of what to do?
What should I do?...
I don't want to put you in a worse situation...
One where you feel like you weren't enough to begin with...
Because in actuality you're more than I could ever ask for...
I hate myself sometimes...
What do I do?
Why do I want to wrap my arms around your neck and kiss you till my lips fall off?
Why can't I?
Why the fuck not?
Why is this so fucking hard?
Kill me now...
Just... why?
Why can I sit here and write but not tell you what I think?
Oh yeah...
Cause it doesn't matter...
Why do I want to cry myself to sleep at the thought of this right now?
Why is it that I can't trust myself anymore?
Fucking kill me...
It's been you...
Because it's you..
It's always been you..
But I never realized..
Until now...
Until the aftermath...
Until the end result...
Should've Listened...
My gut said it from the very beginning...
I should've listened...
I wouldn't have fallen for you if I really liked him that much...
If I felt like he wouldn't fuck up...
Or if I felt he was going to drastically change...
Crazy how things work...
Because the one you want isn't always the one you need...
But the one you need is always the one you end up wanting...
Us...
After everything I'm still here telling all my friends about you...
How much I want to be with you...
How bad I fucked up...
How I should've realized that everything I wanted was right in front of me
Telling them how I wish I noticed this from the very start..
Explaining things that I didn't even know I felt
Explaining how I don't even truly understand why I didn't automatically go to you
Telling them about everything since the summer...
Telling them about all the kisses
All the little moments
All the walks
All the cuddles
And our one time...
Telling them how you make me feel...
Showing them the words you've told me...
Answering questions that I've known the answers to without even knowing myself
Hurting You...
And then I finally realized I was running away...
I wasn't leaping at the chance to be with you because I was afraid of hurting you
I knew he would hurt me...
So I wasn't afraid...
I was ready to experience the pain...
But I hurt you...which I never meant to do...
I should've just said yes to you...
I should've been with you this entire time...
Can you hold me?
And we can pick things up...
Take things slow...
Focus on us like we should've been?
...
Guess not...
Why do you like him?
He understands me
He's patient and kind
He was willing to wait for me when I was dating D...
He's sweet and funny
He makes me smile just by being around
He always knows how to turn my day around
Things come so easy with him
I'm never forced to speak my mind right away if I don't have the words
He gives me time
He knows about my past and always tried to make sure I never feel that way again...
He made me promise him to never hurt myself again...
There was one night I was so tempted and he cried because he blamed himself for it.. .
But I could never blame him for anything, because it's not like him to hurt someone he cares about.
He's so down to earth and doesn't want a girl just for their body
He makes me feel beautiful, whenever I say I'm not he literally smacks my arm or leg or whatever and looks me square in the face and tells me I am
He takes his time and makes sure I'm okay with something, even if it's small
He makes it hard for me to think sometimes...
There are words I can't say to him because I get so nervous; he makes it hard for me to speak
He reads each and every one of my writings and actually loves them...
He doesn't want me to change who I am,
He wants me for me, flaws and all...
I wanna be... Let me be...
I wanna be your good morning kisses
I wanna be your first thoughts in the morning
I wanna be your "good night baby" texts
Your good night kisses
Your three in the afternoon "I miss you" texts
Your "I can't wait to see her" thoughts
Your three hour phone calls
Your head scratches
Your forehead kisses
I wanna be the girl you can't get out of your head
The one you brag to everyone about
The one you can never get enough of
The one you can't wait to take out
The one you want to see all dressed up
The one you want to do something cheesy and dumb with
The one you want to go exploring with
The one you take long train rides for
I want you to be the one I'll drive hours for to see for only five minutes
The one I want to hold when they're sad
The one whose arms I want to hold me when I can't stop myself from crying
The one I want to run to when I got the best news of my life
The one who I brag about to the world
The one I can't stop thinking of
The one who will get to know my parents
The one who will be willing to do these stupid crazy adventures with me
The one willing to travel the world with me
So why the fuck not?
I'm sorry for what I did...
I'm sorry for how it got to this...
But I've realized what I've done
And I've realized how it affected you...
And maybe I'm stupid or blind
But I should've seen you in front of me...
God damnit, why can't I stop myself from writing about you?
Why can't I pull you by the collar and kiss you?
Why can't I claim you as mine in front of everyone?
Oh right...
Because I fucked up...
About the Creator
Em
I'm doing my best.
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