Codeine Dreams

What do you want to know? What are you looking back here for? A snapshot into the past or information to shape the future?

Could those two things possibly exist in the same place—occupying the same space?

A wise man would wager no, but a transcendent sage knows the truth. Unfortunately for you, you are neither.

But you are a seeker, trying to find the answers, trying to make peace. That’s why there’s a scar on your arm because you believed there was a lesson to learn and you feared it might be swept away with the tides of time if it wasn’t immortalized by the heat.

That’s a poetic interpretation of it at least.

Which brings me to the obvious problem—interpretation…. perception… belief… reality… it all seems to define itself. It is a self-weaving narrative that becomes self-evident—until it isn’t. The paradigm shifts and in the blink of an eye, the swallow of a shot, the flick of euphoria, the story no longer makes sense.

And that’s where the cope begins. For some it is food. Others porn… work… abuse… submission… cigarettes… fear… anger…gambling… hermiting… pathological compassion… the list of compulsive coping mechanisms goes on and on.

Anything to provide comfort at the end of a long day that is as unsure as it is productive. A swirl of positivity, but what for? For her? For me?

It all used to make sense.

Now it is a jumbled mess. My North Star is fading and the trail is turning dark. What guides me seems to truly be a choice. Goodman Brown never seemed so relevant.

To echo a similar sentiment, choose… don’t just choose… Think clearly, at once, plan—then choose. And proceed.

This current version of “thinking” is no better than mindless training at the gym, bouncing from station to station, without a purpose. Following every fleeting whim.

To find the truth you have to be willing to test it out in the flesh. And to have faith in that risk you have to believe you’ll find truth on the other end whatever it is that you do.

Good Night Blue Eyes. Good Night Blood Shot Eyes. I love you both.