chronic pain

i have lived with you forever.

some of my earliest memories are full of

you. my youthful swagger many have commented on is your presence in my back, knees, and hips. the weight of my world is too great to carry daily,

so i adjust my gait accordingly.

burst this, compression that–

fractures line my lumbar spine.

arthritis plagues my joints, my knees creak and fill with fluid, shins grew twisted.

hips and a bridge that fixed itself, crumble under the pressure of referred strain.

i used to work out to alleviate these symptoms. used to punish myself on the trails and in the gym

because i didn't know how to have a relationship with my body that wasn't punitive.

i don't know how to have a relationship with my body that isn't punitive.

i have framed my body as a failure. as a colossal lack. because people told me it was.

until i did the things that other people were doing

and hurt myself doing them,

people made it clear my body was a failure. a colossal lack.

some people didn't believe me. told me i was lying about you to get out of gym class, laps at practice, dance choreography, or life in general.

doctors accused me of lying about you for vicodin. i had never heard of it, but i would become addicted to it when it was finally prescribed to me.

you have defined corners of my life that i never even thought could be penetrated by a somatic experience–

not like this.

i must learn new ways to be gentle with myself. patient. more kind.

you have visited me with a vengeance these past few days, and

i'm sorry i underestimated you

and neglected my body to this degree.

i will live with you forever

and must act accordingly.

i understand now.