Chapter 5

Growing up I was told an idle mind is where the devil works best

So do I overthink in order to prevent him from having a field test ?

I have tried to understand the thoughts I have upstairs

Somehow ended up ignoring the emotions I have built up in my chest.

In this heart, so much room, some are messy , some are clean

Not my fault, if some even look like a murder scene

I did kill off some emotions , learnt some skills, made it quick

Some I couldn't , so I just slipped them a pill

Anger has been sleeping for so long,

But I think the pill is wearing off

Lately he tosses and turns and I fear for when he wakes up

He's been poked quite alot, thread carefully and close the door

Love and hope share this space, hardly even seen their face

I keep chasing them , out of breathe,inbetween, some much space

When I try to chase after love , sometimes it just feels like a waste

When I try just chase hope, I just can't keep up the pace

In case you wondering who's been with us on this tour ,

He is doubt . wait, is that his name ? I am not sure

I just know I can't seem to let him go anymore

I have wrestled with him, with my face planted always to the floor

Exhaustion is the lastest tenant, a bit of a bully you might add

His favourite victim is passion, they would fight from time to time

Lust is the one I have battling the most for ages

I have bruises and scars to show the fight is weighty

When I win, I win by a little margin and sign of life

When I lose, I lose by a margin so huge that it is out of sight

I am not the best at keeping all my emotions in check

I have had situations that force me to open myself up less

Sometimes, I even have a sense of being a burden to those I call friends

I know that might not be the case, but I can't help it from my end

I am no longer willing to try too hard to keep people in my life

I am no longer building altars where I am the sacrifice

I have bridges I might have to burn

I have ties I might have to unknot

I have clothes I may have to bleach

I may have to change my network provider and become out of reach

I need to create healthy rooms and environment for my emotions,

But this can only happen when I take a stand on my knees

Crying out to the one who can see the clots I have within

Create a pure heart in me, YHWH where grace and truth can be seen.