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Changing the Control

Bringing Awareness to Strength in Healing

By Mary McMichaelPublished 5 years ago 9 min read
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Poem by Amanda Lovelace

For 22 years

I've wrote about my fears

I've placed the words

Bringing awareness to things external

Instead of projecting myself

Bringing awareness to things internal

Since I've come back

I never thought this is where I would be

I've been able to wipe the mud from my eyes

I can now see

I've been able to gain my body again

The ropes that used to hold me down

I've severed the ties

I'm building the walls back up

I've scraped myself out of the bottom

Still trying to find my way to the top

As I use the keyboard to type

I've remembered the many times

The many times I've passed by my triggers

I've lost count, I'm able to be brave

While typing

I've been listening to "Breathe (2 AM) by Anna Nalick"

And as I read these words to unveil it all

I've made sure all the clocks are on

Hearing their unique tick, tick, tick

The lyrics that fill my head

Remind me I'm alive

I'm not dead

There's a lesson for every dive

As Anna Nalick says,

"And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd

'Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud

And I know you'll use them however you want to."

As I sat in the poetry pews, awaiting my turn

I remembered every word and all the days

I understand now how to extinguish the burn

As I splatter my heart across the page

I've been set free

I was that scared little girl in the cage

I can finally breathe

You can't imagine how much I feel

The pain, the rage

The cold, the heat

The fines were untold wages

I'm able to stand on my own two feet

I'm learning how to heal

I understand this won't be easy

Though it'll allow me to deal

I'm learning and growing

I'm surviving and thriving

The knots are untied

I use their threads, my wounds I'm sewing

For those who've lied

Thank you for you've taught me not to trust everyone

For those who've taken advantage

Thank you for you've taught me how to overcome

Everything happens not for a reason

No, it happens for the lesson

It teaches you how to heal in the roughest seasons

I've made many confessions

Though I fell I taught myself how to rise above

I've been to one too many therapy sessions

Nonetheless, I'm still surviving strong

Those who tried to tear me down

Thought I was the weak one

They were wrong

For I'm not done

I was born a fighter

So, will I go out like one

For those who are able to see the sunshine in my eyes

You have a gift

For those who are able to see the love in my heart

You know what hurts

For those who are able to see the joy in my soul

You know what pain feels like

For those who are able to see the sorrow in my eyes

You know how to help

For those who are able to see my smile in the midst of pain

You are warriors

You are fighters

Though there may be barriers

We don't burn out

We light and relight

I was in the doubt

Now I understand we're lighters

And like many of you, I'm just a writer

I stand with you

I hope you've found healing too

I've found the truth

It's as though

I've been sitting in a booth

Waiting to heal

When all along I've had the keys

We are the changing future

This is how I've come to understand

To understand changing the control

I've been able to

Slowly but surely gain that independence

As the family puts together the puzzle

I'm gradually learning how to piece

Piece myself back together

I hope the same for you

As to change is to adapt

There's no time frame for healing

Remember the polar bear can't live in the rainforest

Neither can we heal over night

Stage 1: The Victim Status

Poem by Rupi Kaur

I wrote this poem in a time when I wanted to show others what I continually strive for in my healing process. It also shows how I long to help others get to their point of healing. I've decided to share this with you to not only inform you that I'll continually be with each and every one of you no matter where your healing process is. I'm here to tell you healing isn't linear and that the process isn't perfect.

A person is defined victim status if they've recently undergone trauma or is still waist deep in the trenches of nightmares, startle response, hypervigilance, and triggers. However, given time can reach the stage of surviving.

Stage 2: The Survivor Status

Quote from Gabor Mate, M.D.

The survivor stage is one in which the person healing from trauma has the basics figured out; however, is in the cycle of the grieving process. The survivor is known to try to figure out the normalcy of life again while butting heads, living in internal conflicts with what's "comfortable." This is a process I like to call the grieving chaos cycle. It's a process of habituated events that one may go to for "comfort."

The Grieving Chaos Cycle Explained

The Grieving Chaos Cycle is repeated in four stages:

1. Denial: This can look like the survivor being high risk because of their "comfortable status" such that they say something similar to nothing will happen if I go, or making disbelief statements about why the situation occurred and may even portray a disbelief/blame saying something along the lines of I can't believe this happened. This stage can also look a lot like shock. For example, if a survivor tries to tell their story; it may take several tries before mustering up the courage to talk about the lump in their throat or the pit in their stomach. Other times they may depersonalize/dissociate the situation while describing in a monotone voice and may stare off. In some situations, the survivor may shut down altogether.

2. Guilt: This can look like the survivor blaming themselves for going to said place or allowing said event to happen. Before I continue through this cycle, I want all survivors to know that this is normal to blame yourself, however, when all is said and done it's not your fault. You've survived the worst, breathe in and out; time makes things easier and reminds us in the midst of pain that no matter how bad or how strong it is, will soon also come to pass.

3. Shame/Anger: This can look like the survivor asking questions similar to guilt. However, seems to be more enraged with their body language. They'll ask things like why did I go? What was my intention? I knew it was going to happen, I should have done something. Again before I continue, I want all survivors to know you did your best to survive in the situation you were placed in.

4. Vulnerability: This can look like the survivor knowing that the place they want to go isn't safe and they acknowledge that. However, their "comfort zone" leads them there through vulnerability and tunnel vision. This is the stage where number one tends to be repeated unless the core cause of these actions are treated with a professional. However, if the clinician; such as a therapist doesn't know and neither does the client, then most likely the cycle will keep happening until the situation is resolved.

How Denial Plays a Big Part in Healing

Denial plays a big part in healing. Sometimes it can look like an individual who facades their healing process to seem further along when deep down they're struggling with their brokenness and pain. Other times it can look like an individual is placing their brokenness in front of them, not giving themselves credit for how far they've come. A similar subject to this is when an individual has placed what's happened to them as their identity. all three of these stages of denial loop back to the grieving chaos cycle.

Stage 3: The Thriving Stage

Poem by Rupi Kaur

The thriving stage is when a survivor has reached the point of a thriver. This means that they have forgiven the past, healed from their pain/wounds, and are able to acknowledge that it's an event that's happened not to place it as their identity. They are able to define the event as a part of them but not who they are.

Understanding that Happiness Lies Within Your Being

Quote from Robert Holden, PH.D

Through healing, survivors begin to understand that happiness is within their being, not in the next subject that comes up along the way in front of their journey. Happiness can only come through the survivor themselves, no one else. To all survivors who read this, you're not alone and I stand with you wherever you are. I'm meeting you where you are within my writing. If you would like to reach out, please don't hesitate to reach out to the campaign email: [email protected].

Fight, Flight, or Freeze: it's Not Your Fault

Depending on how you're defense mechanism is when faced with a traumatic situation will make known whether you're more prone to fight, flee, or to freeze up or if you will play dead. To whatever way you as the survivor respond is perfectly normal. Especially if you freeze, which is going to be the majority of the subject within this paragraph. When a survivor experiences the freeze response they are more prone to blame themselves because they weren't able to do anything within the traumatic event. To those survivors who have experienced the freeze response, you are not alone in this, and it's not your fault; it's never your fault. The scientific reason it's not your fault is because it's your brain shutting down your whole body. At this point your body was hijacked by a trauma response and therefore, is the prime definition of nonconsensual.

My Book

This is the book cover to the book I'm currently writing and editing. I will let you all know when I'm finished with it and it's been published. Let me know if by then you'd want one.

We Are All Broken China

We all have ceramic debris; however, it doesn't have to define how far into brokenness a survivor is in, nor does it place limits on the healing timeline. All we as survivors know is to put ourselves back together and doing so with gold. A way I like to think of it is we're always trying to unravel the rope or untie the knot out of the frail chain. We have to do so with caution because if it's not taken carefully we can either end up with a rope burn or a broken chain (depending on which one you want to go with). If the chain/rope becomes no longer together or breaks, we think we're healed, however, it's just a new chain/rope which will eventually create another knot. And, therefore is the practice of the grieving chaos cycle if and only if it becomes a habit.

Healing is possible, it's only hard because it's not linear and the process isn't perfect. I've been there, I know what a struggle it is. Though, we define ourselves by our brokenness my question towards all survivors is wouldn't it be a better place if we focused on the gold parts that piece us back together rather than the sledgehammer that shattered us in the first place? It's a big commitment; however nothing's impossible, the word actually says I'm possible, I'm good enough, I am enough. I stand with you, I hear you, I see you, I believe you.

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About the Creator

Mary McMichael

Hello, I'm Mary McMichael and I'm the founder of Survivors For Justice. I am in the process of writing my own book, getting my bachelor's in digital media, have a mind for creativity, and a big heart for people.

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