Changing the Control
Bringing Awareness to Strength in Healing
For 22 years
I've wrote about my fears
I've placed the words
Bringing awareness to things external
Instead of projecting myself
Bringing awareness to things internal
Since I've come back
I never thought this is where I would be
I've been able to wipe the mud from my eyes
I can now see
I've been able to gain my body again
The ropes that used to hold me down
I've severed the ties
I'm building the walls back up
I've scraped myself out of the bottom
Still trying to find my way to the top
As I use the keyboard to type
I've remembered the many times
The many times I've passed by my triggers
I've lost count, I'm able to be brave
While typing
I've been listening to "Breathe (2 AM) by Anna Nalick"
And as I read these words to unveil it all
I've made sure all the clocks are on
Hearing their unique tick, tick, tick
The lyrics that fill my head
Remind me I'm alive
I'm not dead
There's a lesson for every dive
As Anna Nalick says,
"And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
'Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know you'll use them however you want to."
As I sat in the poetry pews, awaiting my turn
I remembered every word and all the days
I understand now how to extinguish the burn
As I splatter my heart across the page
I've been set free
I was that scared little girl in the cage
I can finally breathe
You can't imagine how much I feel
The pain, the rage
The cold, the heat
The fines were untold wages
I'm able to stand on my own two feet
I'm learning how to heal
I understand this won't be easy
Though it'll allow me to deal
I'm learning and growing
I'm surviving and thriving
The knots are untied
I use their threads, my wounds I'm sewing
For those who've lied
Thank you for you've taught me not to trust everyone
For those who've taken advantage
Thank you for you've taught me how to overcome
Everything happens not for a reason
No, it happens for the lesson
It teaches you how to heal in the roughest seasons
I've made many confessions
Though I fell I taught myself how to rise above
I've been to one too many therapy sessions
Nonetheless, I'm still surviving strong
Those who tried to tear me down
Thought I was the weak one
They were wrong
For I'm not done
I was born a fighter
So, will I go out like one
For those who are able to see the sunshine in my eyes
You have a gift
For those who are able to see the love in my heart
You know what hurts
For those who are able to see the joy in my soul
You know what pain feels like
For those who are able to see the sorrow in my eyes
You know how to help
For those who are able to see my smile in the midst of pain
You are warriors
You are fighters
Though there may be barriers
We don't burn out
We light and relight
I was in the doubt
Now I understand we're lighters
And like many of you, I'm just a writer
I stand with you
I hope you've found healing too
I've found the truth
It's as though
I've been sitting in a booth
Waiting to heal
When all along I've had the keys
We are the changing future
This is how I've come to understand
To understand changing the control
I've been able to
Slowly but surely gain that independence
As the family puts together the puzzle
I'm gradually learning how to piece
Piece myself back together
I hope the same for you
As to change is to adapt
There's no time frame for healing
Remember the polar bear can't live in the rainforest
Neither can we heal over night
Stage 1: The Victim Status
I wrote this poem in a time when I wanted to show others what I continually strive for in my healing process. It also shows how I long to help others get to their point of healing. I've decided to share this with you to not only inform you that I'll continually be with each and every one of you no matter where your healing process is. I'm here to tell you healing isn't linear and that the process isn't perfect.
A person is defined victim status if they've recently undergone trauma or is still waist deep in the trenches of nightmares, startle response, hypervigilance, and triggers. However, given time can reach the stage of surviving.
Stage 2: The Survivor Status
The survivor stage is one in which the person healing from trauma has the basics figured out; however, is in the cycle of the grieving process. The survivor is known to try to figure out the normalcy of life again while butting heads, living in internal conflicts with what's "comfortable." This is a process I like to call the grieving chaos cycle. It's a process of habituated events that one may go to for "comfort."
The Grieving Chaos Cycle Explained
The Grieving Chaos Cycle is repeated in four stages:
1. Denial: This can look like the survivor being high risk because of their "comfortable status" such that they say something similar to nothing will happen if I go, or making disbelief statements about why the situation occurred and may even portray a disbelief/blame saying something along the lines of I can't believe this happened. This stage can also look a lot like shock. For example, if a survivor tries to tell their story; it may take several tries before mustering up the courage to talk about the lump in their throat or the pit in their stomach. Other times they may depersonalize/dissociate the situation while describing in a monotone voice and may stare off. In some situations, the survivor may shut down altogether.
2. Guilt: This can look like the survivor blaming themselves for going to said place or allowing said event to happen. Before I continue through this cycle, I want all survivors to know that this is normal to blame yourself, however, when all is said and done it's not your fault. You've survived the worst, breathe in and out; time makes things easier and reminds us in the midst of pain that no matter how bad or how strong it is, will soon also come to pass.
3. Shame/Anger: This can look like the survivor asking questions similar to guilt. However, seems to be more enraged with their body language. They'll ask things like why did I go? What was my intention? I knew it was going to happen, I should have done something. Again before I continue, I want all survivors to know you did your best to survive in the situation you were placed in.
4. Vulnerability: This can look like the survivor knowing that the place they want to go isn't safe and they acknowledge that. However, their "comfort zone" leads them there through vulnerability and tunnel vision. This is the stage where number one tends to be repeated unless the core cause of these actions are treated with a professional. However, if the clinician; such as a therapist doesn't know and neither does the client, then most likely the cycle will keep happening until the situation is resolved.
How Denial Plays a Big Part in Healing
Denial plays a big part in healing. Sometimes it can look like an individual who facades their healing process to seem further along when deep down they're struggling with their brokenness and pain. Other times it can look like an individual is placing their brokenness in front of them, not giving themselves credit for how far they've come. A similar subject to this is when an individual has placed what's happened to them as their identity. all three of these stages of denial loop back to the grieving chaos cycle.
Stage 3: The Thriving Stage
The thriving stage is when a survivor has reached the point of a thriver. This means that they have forgiven the past, healed from their pain/wounds, and are able to acknowledge that it's an event that's happened not to place it as their identity. They are able to define the event as a part of them but not who they are.
Understanding that Happiness Lies Within Your Being
Through healing, survivors begin to understand that happiness is within their being, not in the next subject that comes up along the way in front of their journey. Happiness can only come through the survivor themselves, no one else. To all survivors who read this, you're not alone and I stand with you wherever you are. I'm meeting you where you are within my writing. If you would like to reach out, please don't hesitate to reach out to the campaign email: [email protected].
Fight, Flight, or Freeze: it's Not Your Fault
Depending on how you're defense mechanism is when faced with a traumatic situation will make known whether you're more prone to fight, flee, or to freeze up or if you will play dead. To whatever way you as the survivor respond is perfectly normal. Especially if you freeze, which is going to be the majority of the subject within this paragraph. When a survivor experiences the freeze response they are more prone to blame themselves because they weren't able to do anything within the traumatic event. To those survivors who have experienced the freeze response, you are not alone in this, and it's not your fault; it's never your fault. The scientific reason it's not your fault is because it's your brain shutting down your whole body. At this point your body was hijacked by a trauma response and therefore, is the prime definition of nonconsensual.
My Book
This is the book cover to the book I'm currently writing and editing. I will let you all know when I'm finished with it and it's been published. Let me know if by then you'd want one.
We Are All Broken China
We all have ceramic debris; however, it doesn't have to define how far into brokenness a survivor is in, nor does it place limits on the healing timeline. All we as survivors know is to put ourselves back together and doing so with gold. A way I like to think of it is we're always trying to unravel the rope or untie the knot out of the frail chain. We have to do so with caution because if it's not taken carefully we can either end up with a rope burn or a broken chain (depending on which one you want to go with). If the chain/rope becomes no longer together or breaks, we think we're healed, however, it's just a new chain/rope which will eventually create another knot. And, therefore is the practice of the grieving chaos cycle if and only if it becomes a habit.
Healing is possible, it's only hard because it's not linear and the process isn't perfect. I've been there, I know what a struggle it is. Though, we define ourselves by our brokenness my question towards all survivors is wouldn't it be a better place if we focused on the gold parts that piece us back together rather than the sledgehammer that shattered us in the first place? It's a big commitment; however nothing's impossible, the word actually says I'm possible, I'm good enough, I am enough. I stand with you, I hear you, I see you, I believe you.
About the Creator
Mary McMichael
Hello, I'm Mary McMichael and I'm the founder of Survivors For Justice. I am in the process of writing my own book, getting my bachelor's in digital media, have a mind for creativity, and a big heart for people.
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