Challenges reframed

How to respond to adverse life and health events?

I have a disabling life long Mental Illness: Bipolar 1 (Rapid Cycling) and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I am thankful that I was able to remain as ‘mood stable’ as possible in 2019.

During this period I deliberately provoked my Mental Health triggers within a mentored, therapeutic and supportive community.

I bravely summoned them, confronted their authority and emboldened with knowledge, I reclaimed my power.

I acknowledged my vulnerability as I envisioned an opportunity. Perhaps I could strive to let go?

Throughout this process my anger retreated and I discovered a pathway to peace.

In my life, adverse events that may include my Mental and Physical Health are a given.

Learning to live to the best of my ability is the greatest challenge.

Spontaneity must give way to established customs.

I remained hyper-vigilant about grandious plans and unrealistic goals.

My goals required an ongoing commitment; carefully considered and observant of overload.

I practiced acceptance, mindfulness and meditation.

I was committed to self-love, compassion, kindness and gratitude.

Cognitive reframing is an essential therapeutic technique.

It is a potent approach that provides me with choice.

Reframing allows me to take a step back with emotional detachment.

With practice I am able to harness the capacity to examine varying points of view, rather than a singular and rigid perspective.

The flip to fright, panic and catastrophising is reduced.

And so to the 7th of December 2019 and it was time to ‘reframe.’

No longer expectant to stumble unsteadily into the New Year, I asked my family to join me for scenario planning.

They arrived for the first time as a group at my home. My one bedroom affordable housing unit, with my soothing balcony garden.

I was calm, unruffled and tranquil as I introduced the reason for our gathering.

I had been diagnosed with Invasive Breast Cancer caused by Calcium Clusters.

Rather than a woeful and ruinous approach, I chose to move forward and sought what was affirmative and tangible. I used my reframing skills to achieve disengagement.

I was fuelled by determination and felt capable in my ability to restrict the impact on my Mental Health and a successful Mastectomy was performed in February 2020 at the Royal Brisbane and Woman’s Hospital.

***

I looked forward to my recovery.

***

2020 ...

I cast back on 2019 and my anticipated optimism and firm belief of walking on a pathway of light.

Yet unforeseen the reality manifested as harrowing.

My Mental Health deteriorated rapidly. Sleep pattern disturbance and a lack of competence to maintain a focus on my wellness daily practices manifested as a social rhythm collapse.

I was engulfed in the poles of Bipolar 1 (Rapid Cycling); the black of Depression and the technicolour of Mania.

This torturous year included five admissions to Toowong Private Hospital (TPH), a specialist Psychiatric unit, where I resided for six months during a period of successive admissions.

My longest stay was three months and three weeks due to a severe adverse reaction to prescribed Melatonin.

I didn’t want a diagnosis of Bipolar 1 (Rapid Cycling) and Complex PTSD or Breast Cancer but it is my reality.

With extensive psychosocial support I once again summoned my fear of deterioration, confronted it’s authority and emboldened with knowledge, I reclaimed my power.

Again practicing reframing enabled me to move beyond a singular and rigid perspective.

I envisioned an opportunity. I felt hope and rediscovered a pathway to peace.

Perhaps again I could strive to let go and achieve stability in 2021?

***

2021 to date: 26th of May 2021.

I cast back on 2019 and my anticipated optimism and firm belief of walking on a pathway of light.

Again I have rapidly deteriorated. My Mental Illness has continued to wreak havoc and turmoil.

I could not foresee that my admissions would continue until I was last discharged from TPH on the 13th of March 2021.

When you are discharged from TPH you are deemed safe but not well. Recovery to the best of my ability occurs at home.

Causation?

Institutionalisation.

I have not yet been able to reestablish a consistent sleep pattern. This impacts on every aspect of my life.

Any semblance of daily functioning has been extinguished.

I have progressed from the grip of Rapid Cycling to the rip of Ultra-Rapid Cycling.

Rapid Cycling is characterised by four or more distinct episodes of Depression or Mania in one year.

I am in the midst of an exhausting and extended episode of Ultra-Rapid Cycling where I have moved to more frequent mood switches that can occur within a day.

Where to from here?

I acknowledge my vulnerability - I am severely unwell.

Cognitive reframing at this time remains a key therapeutic technique.

Will I bravely summoned my demons? Will I confront their authority and become emboldened with knowledge. Can I reclaimed my power?

I don’t know.

I remind myself ‘recovery’ occurs at home. I want to remain in close proximity to my son. Our relationship is precious. It is healing for me and lack of contact with him when vulnerable is ruinous.

My main concern is for my personal safety as suicidal ideation is here with the potential to accelerate.

At times I believe I am on the brink of realising that an admission to TPH may be inevitable. Could a short stay reset immersed within an effective therapeutic environment help?

I don’t want to go because I can see the counterproductive implications.

Institutionalisation again.

Does considering hospitalisation make me powerless?

I cognitively reframe.

To ask for help when I have reached the ‘safety crisis’ is courageous.

One of the qualities I often questioned is my resilience. I now know it is firmly entrenched and has helped me to fight for my life, survive and thrive.

I did not seek a diagnosis of Bipolar 1 (Rapid Cycling) and Complex PTSD or Breast Cancer, but it is my reality.

Learning to live to the best of my ability is the greatest challenge.

Pauline Fountain. © 2021. All rights reserved. No part of this work may be used or reproduced without the written permission of the author.