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caught in a death reflection

Nancy T.

By Nancy TorayaPublished 4 years ago 2 min read
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Wish i could go back

no matter how hard i try,

i continue to have endless thoughts, sigh,

of all the times my body and heart stopped,

where my organs dropped,

where i thought my life was about to be a drop,

a drop of blood,

so much pressure in my veins like a tire stuck in mud,

that night,

everything in my body moved..

everything inside my head vanished,

that night where i lived but i died.

a body without a soul,

a body without a goal,

a body so dried up inside...

no one sees how dead i am but alive i am,

a battle between being present or mourning the past,

they all thought there prank and jokes would hurt me,

when in reality you cant hurt someone who doesnt have a soul,

you cant hurt someone thats been in hell,

that survived heaven and stayed in hell just to fucking dwell,

so soulless i constantly have to remind myself to be present,

so careless i have to remind myself to vent,

to press send to that message,

that can potentially open a passage,

to another dimension.

a dimension of love and flowers,

a dimension of the right attire,

why must a angel be with me?

what makes me different from the rest?

is it because my life isnt at its best?

is it because im different from the last and better than the next?

i constantly ask myself why does god constantly accompany me?

why does he send angels to guard me?

why?

its a constant battlefield in my mind,

from blind,

from wasted time,

from the wrong choices and stupid lies,

from being crippled,

from being almost disabled,

from being mentally incapable,

why did u build me back up and now able?

able to make choices, to see, to hear, to be aware,

why?

a new chapter after the worst time of my life,

all thanks to your hands,

to your work,

to your mystery sand,

to your lurk.

if you wouldnt stalk me,

id be dead guaranteed.

why am i able to walk,

why am i able to talk,

why am i able to live life like nothings wrong?

who the fuck am i?

what makes me untouchable, unhurt-able, unbelievable?

what the fuck makes me so special?

why did i have a whole town against me and still came out perfectly fine?

why didn't there prank hurt me?

why didn't i die?

why oh why.....

whatever spirit guides me,

whatever spirit loves me,

just know i sense you and admire you,

for beating the demons over and over again,

for not allowing any of them to damage me,

for not allowing any of them to actually be cared for mentally,

for all of them wasting their time,

for all of them never getting to know the real me,

thank you spirt.

not only do i owe u my life,

thanks to you i am alive.

surreal poetry
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