Capitulation of Mourning

Can it be easier to mourn an animal than a human?

When I lost Evie, it was devastating. The anticipatory grief was crippling and the guilt I felt at not being able to communicate using language with each other weighed on me. I knew that pure, untainted love was there in the way only animals can give but there was so much left unsaid...so much I wished I could know. Looking back, it was as if, only she could tell me she loved me, where it hurt, or when it was time, then things would magically feel better- easier.

It is two weeks exactly since my father passed away. He died slowly over the course of five years, give or take. His funeral is Saturday and the demands of people and their questions plus arriving family and friends has me at a standstill. Uniquely, I found myself missing Evie today, though she has been gone since December 5. It's been almost like a deja vu. The hole she left, opening it's gaping mouth like it was yesterday. Images of her trotting through the living room like a majestic queen swim through my vision and I can see her lounging on the top spot of the cat wall, her royal throne. I sit on my bed and half expect her to pop up, like she did, as if on command every time I sat down. Tears burn my eyes before gently brimming over and falling down my cheeks; a sensation I find strange and foreign.

I wonder why I am crying for Evie and if I should be crying for my dad. Is is easier to mourn a pet than a human?

My anxiety for the inability to speak to Evie had felt so relevant to the level of grief I faced at that time. Yet, now I find myself in a place where thirty years of communication and the imperfections of human love did not lead to any sort of glorious resolution. In fact, it only made it complicated and truth-be-told, painful.

In such a case, one must ask themselves, are we transposing one situation onto another because we think that is how we are supposed to feel - or - are we subconsciously comparing and contrasting the emotional depth of the situations, the reactions, and gauging the current stability of one's self; not by the emotions being had (or not had), but by the actions being taken that may or may not represent old emotional patterns. Examples of this might be excessive or compulsive spending, excessive sleeping, self isolating, irritability, and being easily over stimulated.

So I ask again, is it easier to mourn a pet than a person?