Butterfly 🦋

Happy Birthday my little butterfly. Well not so little anymore are you? I have seen you once in the last few years, for a small moment in time. I remember you're face, full of surprise and happiness. But I wish that day never happened, I wish I could take it back. Don't get me wrong, seeing you again was so amazing, You were so beautiful and grown. You had the face of a young lady carved perfectly around those sweet brown eyes. But the situation got twisted and the motive misunderstood. When in all honesty, I was just following my motherly instincts to help your sister when she reached out. Everyone told me when I chose to have you on Friday the 13th, I was crazy. Maybe they were right, maybe I did curse myself. At least I know I didn't curse you, my brave and nurturing little Leo. With the biggest heart and cheesiest smile. Writing this was harder than I thought it would be, crazy how years pass and nothing is easier. I asked you're grandpa to tell you happy birthday for me, he said he did. Along with that message was a picture of you. My God, I knew you'd grown, but not that much. You're a mountain biker, and you love it from what I hear. I also heard yesterday was your first day of high-school... fuck me. That hit me in a different way. I mean when your big sister started that was one thing, but you, that meant something else. That meant that the deep knowing I had, the one buried where I didn't have to see it was finally staring in my face… I have now officially missed both, of the rest of your childhoods. Little girls no longer, only beautiful young women. I scroll through the old pictures I have, some make me smile, others cut me deep. If only there was a way to restart, but with the understanding I have now. Seeing that picture made my heart happy though, you looked happy. That's ultimately what matters to me anymore, That you and big sis are okay. I know you're brilliant, I've always known you would be. I'm just sorry I wasn't there, to watch as you grew into the amazing human you are today. But I'm continuing to be better every day, Just in case one day after you're 18, I get that message that says, “Hey Mom.”