Broken Self Illusion

Follow me down this frosted experience,

Glittering pavement beneath a frozen sky,

Here I am missing the sunlight again,

I'm high again,

It's not a choice today,

It's a suicide survival mechanism,

Dial 911,

Location of my emergency is everywhere,

I can't specify,

But I can lie and say I'm OK,

Lies,

When I say I accept life this way,

It's not that I'm coping,

I'm hanging on to threads and hoping,

That if I can just tie knots fast enough I can stitch some sort of future,

Collapse beneath the things that are supporting me,

Where's my daylight when I need her so?

Guess I gotta get myself together,

Paint on a fixed expression,

Over ambitious positivity,

Force it into a shape it was never meant to be,

Lock upon the door that hides the key,

Keep back from these things,

Unintentionally sharpened my pain into a weapon,

I don't mean to injure anyone,

I'm just trying to stay alive within my carefully constructed fallacy,

False in all the right ways,

That's just a temporary situation,

Has been for years,

But maybe I'm changing,

Maybe I'm trying to evolve,

I'm letting go of dark chains in the morning light,

How do I keep moving without my anger?

I've dissolved the arrogance that assured me no one could ever suffer the way I have,

Accepting my pain doesn't make me special,

I don't know what I've got left to grasp,

I'm scraping bottom in an attempt to fly,

Isn't that a pretty picture,

Fingertips raw beneath broken nails,

Attempt to stitch,

Together my flayed skin,

Shape them into pale wings,

I just wanna be angelic for once,

To own the honor I try to claim,

To be beatific,

If only for a single frame,

It's just a demons daydream,

Its just that suffocating breath,

Imprisoned scream,

It's just the dawning realization,

That I've never been quite what I seemed.