Brief Happiness

1986

Age 15

I had been depressed off an on

For 9 years

Constantly suicidal

For 6

>

By this time

I thought the condition chronic

If not permanent

>

Then the blizzard came

>

Christmas break

A year when I got my first boombox

And a stack of blank tapes

Then it started to snow

>

White Christmas

White New Year's Eve

Then the time I dreaded

January 2 or 3

Back to school

Snowed in

Piles of snow

Drastic even in Wisconsin

Snowmobiles driving down our street

Because cars couldn't get out

>

Meanwhile

I was spending the day

Lying on our 1960s

Extra long

Living room couch

>

The one I wasn't allowed to use as a child

Because it was too nice

>

I stared out at the snow

Or at our Christmas tree

Sometimes running the electric train

Circled around the base

Enjoying the nostalgic smells

Of ozone, heated Christmas lights,

Slightly mildewy plastic tree

And genuine artificial pine scent from a can

>

Dressed in my first-ever flannel shirt

To look like John Fogerty

And tan argyle socks

To look like Dr. Who

Reading all day and night

While listening to music

On headphones hooked up to my boombox

Hitting RECORD when a good song came on

Sometimes catching a bit of dialogue

From the DJ

Usually about snow

>

I was happy

Happy at last

At a time when I'd largely forgotten

What happy was

And all it took

Was having what I'd wanted

More than anything

Since I was 5 years old

>

No school.

>

Every day a blessing

I didn't mind the shovelling

Or the cold

My sister didn't bother me

I loved my parents again

I laughed and smiled

>

Even the Cold War

With nuclear armaggeddon

A constant moment away

Like a global Sword of Damocles

Couldn't dampen my mood

>

The wolrd was good

The future was bright

I was happy

As long as it snowed