Breath of Ashes

We gathered in the paling field

Spring

maybe later

A circle of gentle faces

Friends and the eyes of friends

peering my way

cautiously

I did not look up

.

The brush and sticks

gleanings of the surrounding field

had been gathered

and pressed into

a tangled center

and set aflame

.

There was a pack of his cigarettes

a bottle of wine

three worn boxes

and a gentle hand

upon my back

.

I light a stale awful cigarette

the smoke burning acrid in my throat

I drink the wine

straight from the bottle

though they gave me a glass

There's enough things broken already

.

I drag a box close

and begin with the mundane

Bank statements

failed scripts

faded receipts

and newspaper clippings

for events once deemed important

and now all curling black

in the flames

.

The rest will be harder

.

Faces still quietly upon me

and I finish the cigarette

the filter now flaring in the coals

.

The years of notebooks are next

.

Pages thick with plans and ideas

For scripts, vacations, schools for the kids

and a sketch of their cats

.

It takes awhile for them to catch

.

Covers peeling away finally

then torn page by page away

in jagged orange dissolvings

and now committed to memory

by the hot wind

.

Fire and the smell of the fire

scorched scent of things ceasing to be

.

My parents are not here today

They remained at home

scuttled on couches

bent in sorrow

their cats in cat circuits

roam gently about their feet

.

Two boxes now emptied

and twisting in the flames

their flaps reaching skyward

and as if to wave their last

and crumple inwards

.

On the flickering ground

is left a small pamphlet

First aid

on how to save

someone from choking

and I hurl it angry

into the flames

for your irony

is not wanted tonight

.

One box left

.

It's small and

has a delivery sticker on it

with his address

.

Inside is a paper wall hanging

with bright cartoon faces

It is measured out in feet and colors

in inches and years

and children's names

Chloe is 2'2” and now she is 2'3”

Lyle is 4'5” now he is 4'6”

Chloe is 10 and now Lyle is 13

.

And then the numbers stop

.

Suicide and the sound of suicide

That lonely thing of quiet

and it was

baby brother

Quiet

.

Mom found you

and then there was nothing quiet

nothing quiet for a long time

and then it was

.

The measured paper

is softly in my hands

and then it's not in my hands

It wasn't in the fire

and then it was

and then it wasn't anymore

and the wine was now gone

.

The sparks swirl and skitter away

kicking at the dry ground

and vanish in the air

.

And that was the last of everything

that mattered for awhile

.

The ashes exhale

in a dull pulsing glow

Ashes and the breath of ashes

light dark

light

dark

.

light

dark

And the faces bowed their heads