Blue

BLUE

Blue that Alpha hue, the predatory color that swallows you whole, like Jonah in his Blue whale, where he felt Godless, helpless, and abandoned to the current, weeping above his bed of half-digested plankton .

I pictured him there, wailing in the Blue waters of that Blue prison under a Blue Ocean, where the leviathan took him below tumbled in jealousy with only faith as his buoy and a fickle divinity as his salvation.

And I felt for him then even as a child, reading his story of deliverance and wondering if I too could be saved? Drawn out of this broad Blue gullet by great golden hands?

I remember too how Blue had stalked the corners of my life, hungry, until it caught me, alone, dragging me under and gobbling me down. Where it left me chewed, threshed and unfinished, shivering under the Blue expanse.

Bare and Blue.

Yet I’m drawn to it when I think of Blue like lude, as in Blue movies, Blue comedy, and Prince turning on the Blue light, (track sixteen on the love symbol album.)

Blue in that erotic, electric sense with its promise of sizzle, with its assurance of taste. Sugar- heat- neon.

Blue.

I shudder as it builds up inside me, scorching, boiling almost choking me.

With the taste of holding you hot and sticky under the Honolulu street lights, when your small uneven breasts yielded to me in that Blue perfect oasis of our youth.

Blue.

Stiff, sweating in those car seats, our primal needs rotating great engines beneath our skin, instruments of desire older than time, older than us, willed to man eons ago by primordial fish in the Blue depths of the Devonian.

Blue.

As I labored under creed traced back through prehumen ancestors, back to the loins of those ancient fish gods, their organs of sweetness, organs of change, copulation, I felt it rising like Blue fire in my groin.

I was lost inside of you. Drowning under the will of our biology, the unquestioned mandate of creation. Pulled and thrown, I was shaking, I was alive for you then.- Finishing.

Blue.

Now it's Blue like melancholy, like sadness, like distance.

Your rejection a year later and its ongoing diminishment of me, as I found myself without you, over drawn and over sold, surviving unvalued and forlorn under a bankruptcy of emotion. Worthless.

Blue.

Blue like despair. Blue like anguish.

Tangled in a Razor like misery that unwound and intertwined like Blue thread through every day of my life, cutting me daily,

I trace it back to you.

Blue.

A filament of hurt, a line of emptiness unspooled through the depths and ages of my heartache, I gaze down its length and still I see you.

So many years ago.

Blue.

The outline of your face, this girl that I no longer recognize from a love that no longer exists in a storm lost romance blown through the rift. Scattered.

I glimpse in that tumult of emotion your blue eye shadow (Urban Decay) and I’d rather go blind like Eta James. (Track 2 on Tell Mama)

How can I still see it so clear and vibrant when everything is so Blue?

Every rejection, every good bye, snotty tears under fists on the playground, my Grandmother frail and hollow surrendering to the great beyond. These things that will never leave me alone. Every dark day.

And still I am bluest for you.

My life is a story of Blue (you), Blue seasons and Blue feelings on a Blue world spinning through space.

Blue.