Bloviating Blowhard

Thou gastronomic carbuncle! Thou sycophantic phage!

Thy intelligence o’erborne by the size of thine stomach,

Thou half a scallop! All wrinkled calcium carbonate,

And no tasty, meaty, morsel.

Thou guests, they go a-starving, thy mint is wafer thin,

If Shakespeare were a sonnet, you cannot refrain.

***

Thou oafish Chad! Thou rag-a-bagel!

Thou donkey’s left testicle – all the work, half the result!

Thou Spurgeon-stain upon the holy vestments!

All you behold, defiled, ignored.

Your tome’s a penny dreadful, your left hand’s not your friend,

If Shakespeare were a sonnet, you cannot refrain.

***

Thou harping seal! Thou barking pigeon!

Thy tune is carried best in a rusty paper bag!

Thou soliloquy on a stage of duets!

If wits were roses, your bouquet’s a thousand pricks,

Your audience suffers its stings.

A joke is thine worst enemy, your song’s a quarter sung,

If Shakespeare were a sonnet, you cannot refrain.