Black

Black.

The color of my curtains

The color of my clothes

The color of my nails

And the color of my tears

From all the years that I was “trying.”

When all I was really doing was dying.

Living inside myself

Dwelling inside myself

Screaming out to God for some help

Wondering if HE could even stop this hell.

How can HE like ME if I don’t even like myself?

Black.

The color of the gun I hold up to my head sitting beside myself.

Ready to pull the trigger

Now I don’t need any help.

I can do this shit ALL BY MYSELF!

But what about the ones I’M supposed to help?

How will they handle being alone?

How many times will they wake up in the middle of the night bawling about what went wrong?

Clutching their chest.

Gasping for breathe.

Cuz the bullet meant for MY head came for their heart next.

Black.

The skin color of the woman sitting across from me.

Scribbling down notes.

Somehow she got through to me

She said, “You don’t have to tear down old walls, just move somewhere new.”

Revolutionary thought about not looking in the rearview.

Came at me like a truck

Helped me do a 180.

“THIS IS MY LIFE!” I screamed,

“AND I WANT IT BACK!”

Unapologetically ready to move forward

This time there’s no turning back.

Black.

The color of my new car

The color of my favorite shoes

The color of my dog

And the color of my journal where I found myself.

Stopped making excuses about why I couldn’t BE myself.

Killed my mindset and woke up with a new life outside myself.

Decided to be happy

Take the reigns

And throw the doubts OUT about myself.

Black.

The color supposedly void of all light

Yet the same color that showed me how to thrive in the night.

The color everyone else views as darkness and wreckage.

But the one that I paint my life with

Now signifying my light.