Beyond the locked door

Journal entry #2

I woke up this morning with a vision of you in my head.

You, my Eating Disorder... ED. I’ve decided. I’m done. I am locking you away.

You.

Your a little girl, in a bare room.... you look meek and tired.

But your face.... behind those worn out eyes hides so much...

Pain.

You look so.... deceptively fragile.

But

I have no doubt. I do not feel sorry. I know with absolute, painful certainty that you could break out of these walls.

Rip them apart.

You...

ED curled up crying in the corner of the room that I have locked you in. The door will remain closed.

I have left you there, double checked the lock....and walked away.

I know this hurt.

I know this because you are part of me.

You have always been present. And in locking you away I separated myself from you.

Took away a part of me, in order to gain back, the parts of me I had lost.

I did this out of love.

Not a love for you. I have to tell you I still hate you.

I walked away, key in hand, for a love for me.

A love for my children. Love for a life I miss so much. Love for a new life... I will build without you.

You are curled up in there, lost and weak on the floor.

A ball of fear,

co-dependence

lies

manipulation

and self loathing.

You are crying because you know you are nothing without me.

The terror you must feel when you saw me close the door.

I locked it.

Realizing....incredibly... that I have discovered Choice.

On my side of that locked door is a whole new world.

Well, not in fact a new world but the world, the life, the whole life you took away.

My eyes are opening.

The space you have left is such a Gift.

I am free.

Free to fill a welcome void with wonderful people and experiences that make my heart happy.

I see you in there, I feel your anguish but I will not release you.

This is where you will stay while I explore all that is beyond your walls.

My children, hold my hands tight.

Side by side, we walk away.

I hold their loving hands tight.....

I do not look back.