Before I Break

I really would like about one whole week to just hide away. A vacation, so to speak.

I don’t want to just stay home. I want to go places, do things, but I also don’t want a set itinerary. I don’t want a schedule. I don’t want to have to get up at this time, be here at this time, do this at this time. I want to relax.

I forgot what relaxing feels like.

I’ve spent decades being a freelancer, being a gig person, hustling, fighting just to survive. And I would love to just be in a place in time, monetarily, where I can take some time for myself every once in a while.

Where is my freedom?

I don’t feel like I have any.

I feel like I have to be hustling and bustling to make a buck, to pay this bill, to pay this debt. Can’t even afford to buy food.

I just want some time.

I just want to relax.

I just want to sleep in. I just want to close my eyes and meditate and let the whole world wash away.

I want to spend some time on the beach with my feet in the sand. I want to walk through the mountains. I want to see some trees.

Oh, palm trees, how I miss thee.

I just don’t want to rush so much and be burdened by the tick-tock of the clock.

Can I just have some time without feeling like I am going to lose everything I have because I have to have money coming in 24/7 just to pay my debts, just to pay my bills, and still not being able to put food on my own plate and barely keeping a roof over my own head?

If this is all that life is, I’d kind of rather be dead.

But I have so much to do in this world, and I just keep pushing forward and fighting.

When do I get to sleep?

When do I get a nap?

When do I get a break… before I break?