Before

Before

I walked through that door

I had passed through many times before

The bell sang alarmingly

As it always has

The woman at the bar with the same drink

But no one now to watch it

As she stumbles to the bathroom

I feel my way to a place I had sat with you before

Only one place I always sat with you

Hands still in the same pockets

I had before

The air always heavy with that yellow light

From the windows that haven’t been cleaned in years

Everyone in here uses them to distort

The amount of time they’ve spent

A whiskey set between my hands

That sits before me on a splintered table

That once used to shine

As I see peanut shells scattered on the floor

Looking only at the ones you broke open

Probably only an hour before

A man lights a cigarette next to

Those closed smokey windows

Close enough to the outside air

But not enough to smell the memories

That forever stay stuck there

Save that pain for the forgetful walk home

Blowing out the smoke that remains

The one thing he knows how to love

But I watch as even that leaves with

Every sunken exhale

I return to the drink my fingers now clutch

Dancing that little black straw around the edge

The ones he used to chew on as he wrote

Sweet nothings on those little white napkins

Tucking each one in my hand

As he folded it closed and told me

Not now, not yet, wait until I am gone and left

Over in a darkened corner sits a young man

Almost lost enough to be a person in this place

Flicking a ring on the table like quarters

He now uses to save up for just one last drink

Running his hand over his frozen-in-time face

Echoing words to the soft song he tries to relate

But can’t because he’ll never belong

At the bottom of the bottle he wants to find himself in

He’s got one foot out the door as he promises

Just one last sip

My eyes back to the worn vinyl

Your fingers would always pick at

Making every spot a little more exposed

Speaking as I listened with one ear

And the other soaked in the liquor

You poured in it, every single night for a year

Watching as my thoughts began to rely

Only on everything about you

The bathroom door creaks back open

As the woman stumbles out with a little more clarity

But not enough to end her night there

And follows the thick cigarette smoke

Right to those windows as she cracks one

And leads it straight to her once clean bed

Both exchanging their own brand of emptiness

Just to feel a different hollow for one night

One whiskey down, a thousand glasses to go

As I get each filled the same way

Trying one with ice

But it watered down the taste of your

Ever-flowing whiskey neat

As you turned me from mine to yours

Realizing those shells on the floor

Were picked apart by me like you before

The young man rises, and pays with the diamonds

Everyone knows he could never afford

Wiping his mouth, walks out

Playing pretend like an old pro

And we all watch him leave

Because we know before him that

He’s not one to return

Emptying glass bottles can’t erase

His natural self-awareness even with the lie of tonight

That wants to survive into tomorrow but won’t

He’ll see that he can’t lie to himself

Even in a place built to bury the truth

Because even here, a glass will spill

And make anyone share

The difference for him is remembering

Every detail he poured out on

That remaining shining table

As he sees his words reflecting back on him

I settle in as the distractions leave

A flickering stained-glass light

Still above the table, shining a glaring spotlight

That used to swing every time you hit your head without fail

Tracing that yellow spot with the hand you used to fill

Picking up splinters going around and around

Sanding down my finger prints

Until the last call sounds

And I have left one more part of me

Stuck in the memory of you