Ashes and Cobwebs

Ashes and cobwebs

Drifting into me

Like an old memory.

The man I see in the mirror isn't real.

He is a construct of my estimations,

A product of my expectations,

An image projected,

A self unprotected.

Vulnerable.

What I am inside,

The man I hide...

He's not a sensitive guy.

More beast than man,

He takes what he can

Without asking why:

Why do I need this?

Why do I want this?

Why am I doing this?

Why am I like this?

I ask him, myself,

But he never answers,

And he doesn't ask.

I put on the mask.

I avert my eyes.

I do not fear the truth...

So much as the lies.

…yet there came a day when I grew tired of keeping the beast in his cage, so I opened the door and let him venture out into the world. I let him wander away unleashed, and I followed, remaining on the peripheral of his awareness. I thought he would do all sorts of terrible things, but instead his actions were as innocent as any child, as oblivious as any fool. He meandered through the wilderness, stopping here and there to rest. He supped of the earth’s natural resources but took no more than his belly could hold. At first, he was confused and withdrawn, not having anyone to administer to his needs, to tell him what to do, to drag back his leash when he wandered off the path. When others encountered him, he would gaze with longing upon them, hoping for a warm embrace and some guidance, but so long had he been caged, he had become a decrepit thing. He did not know this, however, any more than the other knew what a beautiful place was his inner world: hope born of pain, joy born of suffering, light sparked and sparkling into a roaring flame from some inexplicable, hidden place in the darkness of his lonely soul.

I watched as, slowly but surely, the beast realized his dilemma. I watched as he began to finally ask those questions I had always asked in his stead.

Why do I need this?

Why do I want this?

Why am I doing this?

Why am I like this?

The answers spread throughout his entire being like the smile on my face:

I do not need this.

I do not want this.

I do not have to do this.

I do not have to be this.

It was then that I came to realize:

I am not watching from a distance

But seeing through the beast’s eyes.

It was then that I had begun

To become that which I am,

For the beast and I are one.