Another Day I Wrestle

Another Day, I Wrestle with Disappointment. I Wrestle with Peace.

I wrestle with un-forgiveness living inside of me. I have tried to forgive you more than a million times. You caused me hurt, fear and anxiety that I still can’t describe.

You were the monster that was supposed to show me love, the only love I know that is true comes from up above. You’ve hurt me for the last time, I can’t allow it again.

You never showed me any love, you never were my friend. You just told me you loved me at fifty years old. But when I needed it most, you could only scold. To this day, I’m still on a fence. I’ll always doubt your love for me, it’s still evident.

Maybe you’ll be a better person in another life, the only things I hold for you are the tears and strife. I hate that I grew up with so much bitterness, anger and unrest. Now that I am older my life still feels a mess.

I have you to thank for the hurt that I feel, and all of the insecurities, if only you were fair to me, I wonder where I would be. I struggle daily to forgive and forget, but daily it’s a chore. I hurt, I cry, I’m up, I’m down my life has been a sore.

I asked Him to help me to heal, and to deal with all of the burdens. I carry a load that’s hard to bear, no kid should have to be treated unfair. The verbal abuse, beatings, running away, being talked about and misuse has left me in despair.

Please help me to forgive the people that have misused and abused me, help me to move on from those pains that are still there. I’m blessed that I have you and that you care. I don’t want to wrestle; I want to be free. I want to live my life and take care of me. To this day it's still a struggle with unrest, some days are harder than others, I must confess.

How do you deal with forgiving others that have hurt you in your past? Do you throw away the emotions, memories, and reflections of abuse? Do you put them out like trash? Have you ever taken a look back over your life, have you ever been reminded of any terror or spite? Do you blame yourself for the hard knocks, do you blame yourself for the drab?

As of today, things will change for the better, I will truly forgive. I have to forgive to be forgiven. I have to swallow that pill. Yes, it is hard to totally forgive but there is no option for me. I remind myself that I have to forgive if I want to be totally free.

Forgiveness is for you, and for me. Not for the person that we have forgiven. I know, it doesn't feel that way but the more we practice forgiveness the better we will be.

As I write this I'm reminded of His words, and I paraphrase "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as He has forgiven us". Yes, we must forgive others to be forgiven. That is a fact of life.

I'm constantly reminded that I must get it right. To be in a place of peace is a wonderful thing, though daily I struggle to stay focused on the ultimate prize, I try to walk straight and not be slight. I can't turn back now I'm in the race of my life.

With that being said it's no wonder we must walk by faith and night by sight.

Trina