An Ocean of Emotion

I’ve never been much of a poet, it’s just never been something that I enjoy writing. But one day, that changed. I wrote a poem. I vividly remember sitting at my desk with a pen and paper, wanting to write all that I was feeling, but I didn’t know how to. I sat there for a good 20 minutes before I was finally able to put what I was feeling onto paper.

It was 2017, and I had recently been discharged from an inpatient psychiatric center I was in for 12 days following a suicide attempt. It was neither my first, nor my last attempt. When I got home I knew I needed to write and process, but I was stuck. After an hour of just sitting and staring at a blank piece of paper, I finally wrote what I had been feeling and holding onto for so long.

Much to my surprise, it came in the form of a poem. A poem I would hide and keep from the world for over a year before putting it out there. It was vulnerable and raw, and it was everything I needed to say. It wasn’t something I ever dreamed of sharing, but as the year passed, I realized people needed to hear what I had say, and they needed to understand exactly how I had been feeling for so long.

After holding it in and shielding it from the world, I shared it with friends, and then family, and eventually on my blog. It’s a poem that describes exactly the things I feel, and it’s something I want to share to others.

So here it is:

An Ocean of Emotion

Some days it hits me out of nowhere

A tidal wave of emotions

And no matter how hard I try, I cant breathe.

The small subtle waves have now formed a tsunami

Depression crashes over me like a 10 ft. wave.

I’m drowning and nobody can hear my cry for help.

So don't tell me this wave will pass, because right now it feels like its never ending

But it does

And for a brief time, I’m OK

This ocean of emotion is starting to become calmer

The waves are smaller, and I can finally breathe.

But just when I think I’m OK, waves start crashing down on me again. I’m trembling and soaking wet

My body plagued by anxieties

And once again I can’t breathe.

Waves continue to crash on me

Each one harder than the last.

My feet are stuck in the sand and I can’t free myself

I’m stuck, and I’m starting to drown.

And I feel so damn alone, and so lost.

So don’t tell me to come to you, because

I’m stuck and your words turn the sand into quicksand.

I’m drowning in the vastness of these waters

And the ends nowhere in sight.

Each wave pulls me in deeper and deeper

And every time I resist, the tide gets stronger.

I’m drowning in depression

And strangled by anxiety

I am afraid of this ocean

But i am too sad to move, and too sad to care.

So don’t tell me I need to swim to shore because every time I try to

The voices in my head get louder and my mind tells me there’s no point in moving.

I swear to God I’m trying. I’m trying so damn hard.

Trying to swim, trying to breathe, trying to survive.

But my efforts have yet to pay off

I’m trying to stay afloat, but I’m tired.

My depression is drowning me

Waves continue to beat down on me

But I am learning to swim

My cries have been heard, and help is on the way

My tears have filled the ocean, but I’m swimming through it.

And one day I hope to reach the shore.

I still tremble with anxiety.

I still drown in depression.

But believe me, I’m trying so damn hard to swim

And don’t think that I’m healed, because I’m not.

But I’m surviving.

Learning how to swim in this ocean of emotion.