An Actress

I’ve reached out to my loved ones
When I call, they don't answer
Depression plus anxiety is like a cancer

A claustrophobic cocktail with a Red Bull chaser
A penciled-in problem with no eraser

It's tailor-made, commissioned, stamped inside
Embellished and embroidered with the stitches I hide

My life's a costume parade, a year-round rave
And I’ll do what I'm told to: Smile and wave!
Seems I'm always the performer in this novelty show
But I really do want world peace, just so you know

God lives in the details, so I'll set the stage:
A storybook setting with tears on the page
Meticulously, I put the props in place
With positive expressions painted over my face

But it's never enough
And I'm not allowed
To separate myself from those who follow the crowd

Where's the hope in me?
Check the windows upstairs
You'll see my dirty laundry hanging out in the air

I'm carrying intrusive thoughts. I can't just pivot!
You're out in the audience
I have to live it

This ain't a party or a picnic, and there is no relief
I promise you there's more than five stages of grief

Water-boarded dry heaves and cotton-mouthed cries
The side effects of remedies for all of the lies
I’ll swallow them down for this part that I play
'Cause everyone who knows my truth gets scared away

The folks I need are absent, so far above me
If they'd come to a show, I swear they'd love me

Maybe they're right
Perhaps I'm not worth the hassle
Sorry, but your princess is in another castle

The masquerade is over. Let me take a bow.
I'll perform again tomorrow.
It's time to rest, now.

How did I get here?
Practice. Practice. Practice.
I'm not a faker or a fraud
I'm simply an actress.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: For me, poetry is both a form of escapism and an emotional snapshot. There’s an important distinction between writing from inside an experience and being defined by it.

I wrote this poem eight years ago, and have always been too afraid or embarrassed to share it until now.

Thank you, Vocal, and YOU, the reader, for the opportunity to be vulnerable today and maybe, just maybe, a little bit brave, too. 💜