Am I lovable?

I used to have dreams of a future

One where I was young in love and dying

Where I had cancer or something inevitable

Or dreams where I had lost everything

And I was in the shower on the floor

Naked, in pain, and grieving

But the love of my life would be behind me

Or holding my face

Washing my hair and my body

Taking care of me in my absence

It was beautiful

Sometimes I think the reason I’ve never let myself fall completely in love

Is because I could never be that vulnerable

And maybe it’s sick and horrible to imagine

But I almost wish I were young in love and dying

Maybe it’s because I’ve been living my life with one foot in the grave.

When my ideal love has always been caring for me through the dying

How am I supposed to look for that on a first date

I don’t know what it means about my psyche

Probably nothing lovable