am i a mute and don't know it?

I.

I need the gentleness of a children’s bunk bed not the creakiness of the hospital cot that I might end up in. I need a soft voice, a warm demeanor, and “I’m okay with how long your healing is taking because I’m healing too and you’re okay with the length of mine”.

But it seems that I only get frustration.

“Are you in a safe place?”

My mind is telling me that frustration equals loss, that I’ll lose the best thing I’ve ever had, that I’ve lost good things to keep this thing I’m losing and what good is being here, here, here, if I don’t have anything left?

II.

You see the thing is, I want to find someone who won’t listen to me when I push them away. Who won’t shrug, say “well I’ll let you have some space then”. I want to find someone who will sit with me in silence until it becomes meditative and we’re both floating in an ethereal garden, the sun warming our skin, spilling over bees and daisies. They’d turn over to me and ask if I was ready to unload and then, in that moment, I would. Because in that moment, I feel safe. Because they’ve left their ego, their soul behind in the physical realm. Because they devoted enough time to me, enough patience to my healing to transcend my earthly worries of judgment and misunderstanding. Does this person exist? Am I asking for too much?

III.

One moment I feel heard, but that seems to always be a façade. Because my voice starts to slowly slip out of the ears of those who claim to understand me as the clock ticks away. It’s like my words are eaten up by the ocean of frustration of people who tell me they love me. Weathered, withered, washed away until, eventually, those people wonder where the words went. Am I asking for too much?

IV.

I just want to be held and I don’t mean physically. I mean I want my soul to be carried, gently as it should be. Not harshly questioned and easily discarded. I just want someone to hold my love in a glass jar and give a damn about the jar breaking. I just want too much, maybe.

V.

Maybe I should make a commitment to being unheard and misunderstood. It seems like that could be the easiest committment since, for this reason, everyone is asking for my hand in marriage.