Alms for the Poor in Spirit

When I was small and malleable

My parents always told me to find comfort in religion

Pointed to a god who was the father I couldn’t have

When my absent father was the only one I wanted

Always told me how I was lucky to feel so much love for people

I would never meet

I agreed.

I was an agreeable child

I knew when I looked to god

I could find the voice and the care I needed for others

I always felt comfort was hard won

A battle on my knees so to speak

As a child it’s easy to just wait and pray

To just let your knees become numb

Until the numbness became the relief you were looking for

Dolls and toys and blankets were superficial

Not worth it

When the scriptures were there to tell you how much they cared

It was comfort as I knew it

Like a prize I fought for it

A starving impoverished child have torn its way through a crowd

Only to steal a stale piece of bread

Clutched in small hands trying to make it last for as long as possible

But like a starving child

I was ravenous

And I could never be full

The support began to be something I could only give.

Someone who was more starving than me deserved it more

Someone always needed it more than me

Until once when I was selfish

I had turned to a god I didn’t know in supplication

Begging for the scraps of comfort

I had known my whole life

Instead

I heard my mother whisper

You have the gift of charity

The gift of a love much deeper than others around me

When again I was starved

Having given all my soothing to someone who need to be served

I was told you are empathetic and kind

The praise was enough to sustain me

"God has blessed you with the gift to comfort"

The heavenly father I never could fully reach gave me a gift

A gift of service

I was eternally doomed to a cycle of craving what I could only give

My hands were too small to hold on

Only large enough to pass on the love and comfort not meant for me

I beamed, proud

Recognizing that no one around me would be left wanting

I was the shoulder to cry on

The rant you told your older sibling

The long drive to get ice cream

I was in control and always had it together

I was the example of a challenge overcome

I had been through so much

Look! God had left my cup overflowing

I like so many other was blinded by the message

Consoled that I had the strength I needed

Only by the grace of Our Father Above

Until one day He took to the sidelines no longer being my Comforter

I was surrounded by darkness

The One Light I had clutched onto my whole life

It told me I was wrong

The way I was built was a challenge, a trial, a sadness I could never defeat

Until I held myself up

Looked through the mirror into my soul

I was not some faulty product made by an All-knowing god

If the Celestial Father I had been looking to for aid was absent

I had dealt with an absent father before

A heavenly one should be no different

Having been the one to relieve my friends and family my whole life

I knew I could find the solution for me

I took a walk by myself every morning

I examined how I thought and felt

I took myself on long drives for sweet treats

I ranted to myself about long days and frustrating situations

I gave myself the time to explore the way I loved

Leaving the guilt that had always followed me behind

As I came into myself as the fullness of who I am and who I could be

It filled the emptiness and ache that I had scrambled to fill

All those hours on my knees felt hollow compared to this

I have the wholeness of my soul

On hard days, when I need to remind myself of the simple comforts of life

I remind myself of how the Holy spirit was always compared to hot cocoa

Now I pour myself a cup

I have given my alms to those around me poor in spirit

I have realized the one who needed it most was me

I know now that I had the power to comfort myself

That is more powerful than any god who would say

He made a mistake with me

I am in my entirety now and have no need for those alms

Universe accept my gratitude for the lesson

Soft fabrics and gentle stories, sure hands and reassurances

They assuage my anxieties to remind me

I have overcome my emptiness

I have found solace in myself