After the Party

The dust settles

The last firework pops

The July moon glows

And laughing voices grow quieter

Softer

and slower

As the crowds ebb and flow around me

I look at another night alone

"Bye, love you"

"see ya"

"Will you be here, tommorow?"

They call to me in normalicies and and parting gestures

I answer in part with appropriate faces and like gestures

But I feel nothing

The voices grow softer still

Car doors slam

engines rev

and everyone leaves for home

I am still standing

Alone

Nobody chose me

No one chose me to the school dances

In the school line ups for sports

No one ever chose a life with me

To come home with me

Okay I am okay with that

That’s actually fine

I still have me

I can make it

I am resourceful

But every now and then

Time stops and slows around me

And I stop for a moment

Mentally

As the lonliness

of THEM not wanting me

haunts my present

Sense of equilibrium

And as I get older

It feels like my mind breaks momentarily

As I stumble around inside of my own head

In contemplation of the nothingness

A stillness that occurs

Like trauma

A coping mechanism

A stop for a moment

And wait until it stops hurting

A wait until

I can actually move forward again

A stop for a moment

And adjust

While my mind works stoic

To keep itself

To wrap itself back around and into

Sane

Rational

Capable

A retrieval of function

To the incongruency

Of the stark realism

Of the appalling absurdity

Of anymore continued

Lonliness.

As I startle awake

I breathe deep

The night warm and sharp with sensory harmony

Of summer night bliss

The vaulted sky of ceiling and stars

Cool night air sweetened by the heat of day

The velvet cloak of night and it’s stark contrasts

And silhouetted shadows

Moon and trees

Glows and darkened scapes

I take a long breath

Exhale

And look forward to other days

I walk towards my own car

Arms tightly wrapped around my self

Protectively