Accepting Myself

Dear sense of self, and the mask I am leaving behind;

Sense of self:

I am glad to have found you once more!

After years of trial and torment,

Being stuck without a true understanding…

Of who I am…

Or of what I want…

We have surrounded ourselves with those,

Who didn’t wish to understand.

So, we did what we thought we must.

We cut ourselves down,

Smaller, and smaller we went.

Until we thought ourselves proper enough

To have our own seat at the table.

We begged and plead to find our place

Made many mistakes

Until I couldn't recognize my own face

As it stared back at me in the mirror.

Our friends cried as they saw the changes

One by one

Bit by bit

Until it wasn't even us that wandered this place

I tried to fit their mold no matter the price

I grew more weary and desperate

With each tick of the clock

I grew closer to the gnashing and all-consuming hands

Of a life I didn’t even want

For people who could never accept me.

I am so glad to have gotten you back,

To feel the comfort of the weird little noises

I echo back into the void

To feel the safety of taking off the mask that bound me

And the serenity of being truly me

To the mask:

I thank you for helping me in your own way

Though with you,

Others still thought me strange…

I am leaving you behind.

Now and hopefully forever.

I wish to dance around in the rain,

And feel the way the drops hit my skin.

No more will I hide my longing

To force me into a little box filled with pain

Without you, I am free from my own regrets.

Free to tap my fingers as I please,

No more forcing stillness and quiet for fear

Of silent and veiled threats

To say I would miss you would be a lie.

We both know dishonesty never came easy for me.

Each time we tried, I would be left asking why?

The truth always felt so free.

Sincerely,

My Autism and me