Abandonment

I do my hair, and brush my teeth, and wear my best clothes, and color my lips and line my eyes and give you my patience and understanding, and I have good grades and I’m well-behaved, but I can be mischievous if you find it funny…

I mold myself and create myself and define myself and actually lose myself to be just—enough—for you—

But, at the end of the day, there is no purpose in all of the work that I do.

So tomorrow I will sleep in and I’ll let my hair turn to knots and my teeth can rot and my clothes can be a mess just like this room that I possess, because it’s never enough and there’s no purpose in caring for any of this stuff, when no matter how hard I try—I am nothing, I am no-one, I am unseen and I am unwanted.

So, I am not alive, I will just live.

I will do my work and say hello and wear some clothes and pretend to know—to know what life is like in the world around me.

Meanwhile, I’ll live in my head with a soul that’s dead and a burning desire to someday be seen and loved for who I am…

But what is this question dwelling in the palm of my hand?

How can anyone truly ever see me if all I do is mold myself for those whose opinions I care for?

And then I shrink myself to almost nothing when I am surrounded by those whose opinions mean nothing.

How can I truly ever build myself if I only allow myself to shine when I believe there is someone out there worth shining for?

Can it be? That I have abandoned myself daily as others have abandoned me?

Can it be? That being unseen & unchosen & unwanted & undesired by others has caused me to define myself as unworthy & undesirable & without purpose and love in my life?

Can it be? That the lack of loving reactions from others, the ease of abandonment, and being chosen over has tethered me to a chain of abandoning myself?

I have halted the flourishing of my physical beauty and health, I have dug deep and hidden my desire to be alive, I have halted celebrating the occasion of who I am every day as I keep my soul stuck & tethered to the projections of how others have treated me… others of whom in fact are not so flourished themselves.

Being chosen and seen and complimented and wanted by another will not ever define my worth or purpose… my body is not meant to perform for others, it is a vessel, MY VESSEL, that holds who I am. I will tend to my vessel and care for my vessel and properly dress my vessel and cater to my vessel and love it with health and choices to flourish my natural beauty. For I am worthy of loving myself immensely, for myself.

Choosing myself, seeing myself, complimenting myself, wanting myself for who I am as I allow myself to flourish each day—that will remind me of my worth and purpose—and within that, no-one can ever truly abandon me again, for the tether will only be tied to those that I know will hold my heart and mind in safety and love.

My best version of me will live today, and grow in beauty each day from now on, and with this choice being made and this behavior being changed—I will radiate love in a way that it is only possible to attract those that will truly love me for who I really am.

P.S.

Beautifying yourself becomes a form of self‑loyalty, not self‑marketing.

Do not abandon yourself any longer, do not market yourself for anyone, you are a soul to be loved and held for exactly who you are, not to be on sale and purchased by small-minded people.