A writer's paradise

I write so much because nobody understands me

I write so much just to keep myself from dying,

Killing immensely until I become anhedonia

I want to be heartless but I know it’s not in me

Sometimes I just want to feel like I matter,

Put me first before I die and everyone cries at the gather,

Pretending to hurt even though it’s the latter

Striking out every time like a no armed batter

But it’s flattering for people to pretend to want to lend me a hand and help me in my time of need,

Only if I’m on my knees;

Begging and pleading

Doing everything but being mischievous

Pretending to be oblivious of how people secretly do what they want but ignore me in the same manner

I don’t mean much of shit to anyone but fake love is all I’m good for, I had hope before but much like him;

Never more

My mind is sober and my heart is pure but my mind is older and my heart is poor

I don’t know about life anymore,

I just roll with the punches and get punched more

Jumping up like it didn’t hurt,

Holding back tears and trying to spit out the dirt

My words are few but there still spoken

Just makes it harder to get out when you’re constantly choking,

Spitting out blood because your words are constantly hurting,

Piercing my lungs until I stop breathing

Freezing up until I no longer feel it

I just want to know someone cares even if it’s for a minute,

Showing and doing are two different shapes,

I’m tired of eating lead just to throw my words back up

I write so much because it’s so hard to smile

It’s a writer's paradise, I been here for a while

I don’t want to die but I’m ready for what’s coming,

I carry lead but not in the form a weapon,

The pen is mightier than the sword so I’m ready;

You might watch me take my last breath but I’m totin something heavier than your health

Spitting up blood on your deathbed, my words stuck in your head like a death wish

Sentence

Neither heaven or hell can save you from the harsh reality

Beam you up into my world so you can see how I live

It’s a writer's paradise,

Tell me how it made you feel