A witness

The rapid sound in my chest as I struggle to breath, my heart beating so fast as if it’s going to burst outside of my body

From me trying to keep everything together, I need to stay strong for not only for myself but for them

I was taught to be strong not a weakling

Always needing to be perfect in the eyes of others, when deep down I was a mess inside

Always trying to prove to them and myself that I could do no wrong but when I would I would shut everyone out and go to this dark place in my mind then live this life of lies and deception because I thought I was better off in this horrible state of mind then living in a house full of manipulation and dishonesty. I witnessed this for years as a child seeing my parents trying to hold it together for us.

But, instead it’s caused me to trust no one and not let anyone fully in, and I sabotage every good thing I have

From it being a career, to a marriage I once had, or friendships through out my life time

Instead, I choose to be alone from the heartache and pain I’ve seen over the years of two people I love so deeply

My parents, who should have split years ago, instead they’ve been together fifty five years, my father hardly speaks to my mother and if he does he only needs something in return. My mother lashes out when he doesn’t give her what she needs

It’s hard to see even as an adult how only this relationship has been one sided all of these years and I ask my mom why she didn’t have us leave she says, we had nowhere to go. So that’s the main reason she stays

My father, is weathering away, he’s always been there for me and I love him deeply but I wish they could have gone their separate ways, it breaks my heart when my mom tells me story’s about my dad and why she let him getaway with the stuff he did be cause she truly does love him but is love really worth the heartache and pain?