A Mistake Born to Make Mistakes

It's going to be violent tonight

when my thoughts collide

and pin the blame

on what parts of me were responsible

for the errors

for the failures

for the mistakes of my life.

Yesterday.

Today.

Every day.

Why was I born

with this defective mind?

It was supposed to develop

and grow

into something more resilient

but no.

Time has done me the ill favour

of letting me ruminate too long

and seeing my flaws on repeat

in the tainted waters of exaggeration

and the unclear depths of misremembering.

I know it's selfish

to want clarity and peace to my thoughts

I know I don't deserve such serenity.

If only I could break free

from a curse I'll never understand

and be a me I can be proud of.

Instead

I am always in the audience to everyone's stage

including my own.

No lights point to the trained actors

no flawless depictions to be shown.

There are no rehearsals

no way to learn how to do this

yet I've seen it

perfection lies elsewhere

out of reach

in another world not for me

and I'm stuck and lost

in a loop

in a spiral

in a finale which always ends the same

foretold from the beginning

from the cries of a baby

that should never have been.