A Mask

It started with a mask.

She learned how to wear it long before it was required for safety.

Inside, screaming, crying, afraid. But outside, smiling, kind, happy and hard working.

Not even those closest to her had seen her without the mask.

She stood under the stream of hot water and let it wash the mask away, her real tears mixed with the water, her silent cries of anguish unheard as the music drowns them out.

Each person she passed in the street she smiled at. She held the door open for people who didn't bother to glance up from their phone. She stopped a moment longer than she needed to at the crosswalk to make sure the person walking made it up the curbside. At work she lost herself in every task assigned to her, trying her best to complete them efficiently and quickly.

People compliment her on her smile, telling her how genuine and beautiful it is, one man even told her it made him weak. She thanked them, and her smile grew broader.

But inside, that warmth, that kindness was never pointed inward. Instead, lingering doubt poisoned her. A growing anxiety set out to destroy her.

Alone she removes the mask, the smile fades, she relives the feelings of the past, hears the words of her tormentors. And each time she fights an internal battle trying to hear the positive words, to feel her worth, to internalize the kindness she bestows on others.

But in the end she finds it's easier to spread kindness to others, and she is wary of those who try to be kind to her. It's not something she is comfortable with, because it is not something she knows. So for her, the mask she wears is one of a genuine kind smile. It is genuine in her need to help others, to see others happy. But it is a mask because it does not reflect the way she sees herself. She loses a battle every time she tries.

Instead, she wakes each day, straightens her mask, and sets out to make the world a little better, in whatever way she can. Even though she would rather hide under the bed covers in the dark, completely alone.

She chooses life, just not her own. She chooses the mask.