A Letter, Long Overdue
I need to apologize to you.
To the one who loved me too well…
I’ve been trying to think of metaphors
(Locked doors for secrets, mini-disguises for guilt)
To mask the two-sided face
That came between us, you and me,
But the more I cower behind the translucent pages
Of words, these similes (like skyscrapers)
They crumble
When the first sound from my mouth quakes.
Did you know
That I know
What I did to you?
Maybe I didn’t know then, but now… I do
(Now that it can’t be undone).
I remember,
I once listed excuses like towns on a map
My road trip of (good?) intentions that left you
Stranded in unfamiliar places
Relationships, I guess,
Are not so simply navigated.
I was young, I said, playing ready or not —
Without being ready at all.
But I wasn’t a child, and you weren’t a toy
To be used to amuse my curiosity.
There are no more kites-on-strings boomerang games left
To cripple that love-giving heart in your chest.
And I’ve stopped playing games,
You should know,
Since the never-after ending of us.
Still, I can’t get it out of my head
What I did
Like a girl with a ship
Sending brave boys to sea with stiff upper lips
And the purpose of never returning.
But how many times did I send you sailing
Only to wish you back with the tide?
Wasn’t it cruel of the siren in me
To call you to shore
Just as you'd set your sails free?
And when I told you I loved you then…?
For a person who loves words so much
How could I forget what the word "love" meant
When I promised an entire forever of it
To you?
I know, I promised you a lot of things, didn’t I?
But promises are a lot like young loves —
They’re hard to keep.
And I just kept asking you stay (and turning away)
God, why did you stay
For as long as you did?
Why didn’t you run for your life that day
When I told you I didn’t know how to love you
In the once-upon-a-time way you wanted me to?
I guess love really is blind
If you couldn’t see
That I only wanted someone
To believe in a forever that included me, too,
Even if you had to believe in it for the both of us, alone.
And also,
I’m sorry.
(Maybe that’s all that needed to be said).
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