A Grownup-Little-Girl’s Heart

You’re no longer a part of this world

Where we live and breath

Laugh and sing

And cry.

But did you know I loved you?

I stopped reaching out

And years passed by,

But I never stopped loving you.

I couldn’t listen to your excuses

For all the pain you caused

Why didn’t I just stop loving you?

I couldn’t see you

And maybe you couldn’t see me either.

Can love be seen?

Did I love you? Sometimes I doubted.

Did I love the idea of you?

Will I ever know?

Does it even matter now?

Why couldn’t my grownup-little-girl’s heart

Ever stop longing for her daddy?

At least the good. Too often buried by the scary.

Your love was conditional.

Always shifting. Never reliable.

Unstable. Volatile. Unpredictable.

Unsafe.

I learned so much from you.

I think you must have always loved me

Even if it didn’t come out right.

Thank you for teaching me

Never to turn my back on my children

Even when I don’t understand them.

Even when I don’t know how to love them

The way they need to be loved.

A year ago you left this world

And I still wonder…

Did you know I never stopped

Loving you?

You weren’t safe for me to love

To know. To introduce your grandkids to.

But I could never stop loving you.

I just hope you knew.