40% Proof

I'm tired and emotional

and lonely

and need gin,

or cider

or both.

I don’t smoke,

so that won’t help.

And the kind of drugs

I’d take if I were more of a fool —

a little more of an addict

than I already am —

would be the ones

that shut down everything.

Anything to avoid

the splayed out flesh

on the screen

my heroin of choice

or is that heroine?

flesh on flesh

more flesh please

to take the edge off?

Need is a strong word,

but tired

and emotional

are stronger

As a painkiller

a destress

and anti-anxiety

tool

it's no foolproof

solution

but at 40% proof

it's enough

to dull out

the everything

until it's not

until

it lets them out anyway

those thoughts and feelings

guilts and regrets

as the heady lubricant

allows me to sink back

and relax

enough that my defences

my walls and portcullis

are down

the sour crème de la crème

of my overanalytical

overly fraught mind

come to the fore

to pass judgment

and existential execution.

My hope lies

in the chance to sleep

though, if truth be told

and I feel honest

right now

alcohol-induced slumber

is not quite

the bed of roses

its often made out to be

not for me, anyway

If sleep gets me

everything stops

until hours later

when my brain wakes me

I'm not your fetish

or a charity case

just a man,

given to poor decisions

and weakness

neural pathways

firmly established

<heartbeat pounds its slow, menacing march in the silence>

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Tired and emotional

and lonely