Anxiety on Display

Dear Reader, it has been. A. Month.

Wild, even. The magnolia tree in my front yard has been trying to bud new growth and the robins have been singing each morning as if it is spring. But it’s December. As a Star Wars fan, I’m stoked that Book of Boba Fett starts tomorrow. Oh, and now I’m relying on my side-gig to be my main gig… but that is another tale. This story is about how a photo exhibition forced me to come to grips with the title of Artist and whether or not I deserve it.

I have a self-esteem problem.

While I will happily take criticism, I cannot handle praise. I don’t take compliments well and I always feel unworthy of recognition. Even sharing this truth with y’all is tough as the thought of any positive attention via the comments makes me uncomfortable (you haters, are easy). Whether “imposter syndrome” is WebMD’s search term of the week right now or not might be arguable but I don’t want to call whatever this is…that. Denial or not, I only recently had to acknowledge my confidence issues head on after a photograph of mine was chosen for a local showing.

The Kansas City Society for Contemporary Photography holds an annual “Open Works” juried exhibition in the fall, and my piece “Untitled (Nino y el Oso)” was among 40 chosen (now on display at the Leedy-Voulkos Art Center’s Opie Gallery). While I could not tell you now what possessed me to try for a juried exhibition, I submitted five photos. To my surprise, what I thought was my weakest work was the piece selected. “Untitled” was photographed during a trip to the Kansas City Zoo… While I captured the small boy discovering a big world around him, I was on an adventure of my own — one of rediscovery as I had been stuck inside my house since the start of the pandemic. I never thought that the reward for walking out the door that day would be the honor of exhibiting the work months later.

It was part of the reason to celebrate.

And celebrate we did by attending the exhibition opening-night event . Unfortunately, my anxiousness was building with the further reflection of my journey to being an exhibitor. I was still feeling unworthy and unable to take in the moment for what it was. Instead I was thinking positively about how I had dreamed about having prints on show one day, I couldn’t decide if I was enjoying being there or not. I brooded on the fact that, at some point, I convinced myself that having a photo on a wall was only wishful thinking. So as my wife and I stood in the gallery and observed people observing my print, I had to ask myself why? As in: why did I think I could never have my photos on someone else’s walls?

That’s when the show stopped being fun and I got stuck in my own head.

Realizing that as far as my artistic growth was concerned, I was holding myself back out of fear. Somehow, I normalized quitting the pursuit of my creative potential if the fear of failure was too great. At some point, I skipped asking myself if I was worthy of pushing artistic pursuits and just stopped chasing those challenges altogether. Not only was all of that fear making me feel unresolved as an artist, I was carrying around both guilt and shame. So while I should have been using the time at the gallery wisely by learning from my fellow artists and attendees, I was the dark dude in the dark corner, silently sucking all the cheerful light out of the room. I was the guy frowning from behind his facemask, mentally kicking himself in the pants over and over.

Reflecting back again, that lack of confidence has been a big doozie. Despite years of education, working experience and honing the skills that came with it, I had yet to call myself an artist. I put that word on a pedestal so far out that I myself couldn’t reach it. That led to all that doubt which would kill my creative productivity. Instead of starting a project, I’d be so fearful that I would look like a poseur or something that I just wouldn’t start. Even when I did complete work and receive positive praise, I told myself that those instances were due to flukes and aberrations.

Well, now I have proof that I was on some bullshit. This exhibition is permission to not only call myself what I want, but to feel guilt-free about it as I continue to pursue my art.

Weeks after the photo exhibition opened, I’m still dealing with the aftermath of my discoveries.

But even after that initial shock, I am charged with the gift of momentum. Unsurprisingly, there are opportunities to share my talents and grow as an artist all around me that I did not notice before this month as I wasn’t looking for them. And honestly, having a show “ in the books” has relit my interest in entering other shows, calls and submissions. I know that if I act now, I can work hard to normalize and acknowledge calling myself an “artist” or even a photographer. During those times where I know feel my confidence may falter, I now can look upon this most recent success as a reminder of what’s possible and to just keep working.

So now, Dear Reader, you know one of the (many) issues I have to work on… but what about you? Have you ever dealt with undervaluing your own work or efforts? How did/do you deal with it? If you’re willing to share, I’d be forever grateful.

Thanks for reading and Stay Well!