Unleashed- on the couch

Alright, Roxy. We got one week to hang out and get to know each other again. Don’t be sad, mom and Luis will be back soon. I guess that’s the good thing about unemployment, I have nothing but time to be with you.

Roxy with your sandy blonde, wild, hair. Those big ears like satellites that hear every movement inside and outside the house. You and your 15 pounds always attached to mom’s hip. You look so sad seeing me come back without her. “She’ll be back soon, Roxy.”

Every time I go to the airport I reminisce about all of my travels. Now, all I can think about are all of the places I’ve been to. I thought about the travel, the hunger for new cultures, the knowledge I’d gain and the lack thereof. Since I was in my late teens I’d travel to Mexico on my own to go visit my grandparents. The fear of travel never really sank in. When I thought about how I was traveling in one of the most dangerous places in the world by myself, I decided to question– why not travel alone in another country, less dangerous?And so my solo traveling journey truly began.

But now, I sit here, on the couch with Roxanne. Everyone in my family calls her Roxy–but I call her Roxanne. We have a more complicated relationship than everyone else. Don’t we, Roxy? Everyone spoils and loves on you, but I teach you discipline. You are obedient with me, and no one else. You rather sit next to anyone in the house but me. Yet, here we are… just you and me. Eventually you’ll come cuddle next to me.

I’ve been everywhere, Roxy. I’ve been so brave. YOU’re the scaredy cat, Roxy. Yet somehow, somehow, I’m the one that can’t move these days.

I have no penny to my name. I have no title for validation. I have no lover left to love, or one that loves me too. I have no healthy relationship with anyone in my life. I got everything I wanted but I threw it all away. Classic tale: “you get what you want to realize it’s not what you wanted”.

Immobile.

Yeah, “come back, Roxy”. We’re not leaving the couch today. Today will be like yesterday was… and like tomorrow will be.

How do you even have energy to bark at the outside world? I can’t seem to bring the energy, or want, to even open my mouth and speak again. No one loves me.

How do you know when I’m feeling worse than usual? How do you know to come and just lay next to me? When I place you on my chest, I can feel your little heart beat. I can feel your breath grow deeper as you fall sleep. And I can also feel your little, sometimes big, kicks as you dream your dreams away. I wonder what I look like dreaming. Am I screaming outside, like I am inside? Do people hear me cry in my sleep?

Oh, Roxy. How are you so… you? Your attention shifts from one thing to the next. You’re dead asleep one moment, then you’re off to wanting whatever crackers I’ve just opened. I’m glad I chose to stay with a couch potato, like me. What are we gonna do this week?

“Don’t be sad, Roxy. Mom will be back soon. Come on, eat a little. You have to eat”. Funny how easy it is for me to say this to you as I don’t remember the last time I had a real meal.

I remember the days, if I had any free time before, I’d be out exploring somewhere new. Driving, or even flying, off to a new adventure. Paragliding, skydiving and my motorcycle were all a spur of the moment due to free time. Free. I’d tell myself if I had time I’d be free. But here I am, five hours on the couch with you. Refusing the rays from the sun longing to touch my skin and see me play again.

I’ve been to the colosseum, Roxy. Did you know that? I’ve been to Pompeii, the Amalfi Coast, Capri, Athens–the Acropolis, a turtle sanctuary in Glyfada. I’ve been to Dublin, Galway, Edinburgh, London, Nimes, Luzerne, Geneva, Barthelona, Heidelberg, Berlin… I’ve even been to Canada twice. I’ve been to many places in Mexico. I’ve driven through almost every corner of the entire West Coast. I’ve driven so long my butt’s fallen asleep and I couldn’t get out of the car. I’ve been stuck in a snow storm, Roxy! Driven in a blizzard from Wyoming to South Dakota. What do you know about snow? You wear your little hoodie when the temperature hits 55 degrees.

Oh how you hate storms. I’ve been through many storms, Roxy. Why are you waking up? Oh, you’re licking my tears. I didn’t realize I’d begun to cry. My crying… woke you? I guess maybe you can hear all the chaos that’s inside.

Oh, Roxy. Remember a few years back, you were scared to go more than a block away from your daily route? How far away I’ve been. And now, I refuse to leave. Six hours on the couch. Should we go to bed? Is this what last year was like for everyone?

That’s why you got more needy, huh?! Having mom and Sus and Luis home.

All. The. Time.

I used to feel so bad for the world for staying in for months. Funny, I get to try it too. It’s been three months, though, Roxy. You’re seven years of age. This? This is your life? This has been your seven years? And you’re… so happy and content with it. Don’t you feel the weight? The weight of the world? The weight of depression.

What’s it all for? What’s everything I’ve worked for? I’ve thrown it out the window. I had my own office, a large office. With a large window and my name by the door. Surely if I had stayed, I’d have lost myself. I guess even more than this.

Oh, Roxy. What is it like to be you? Crying a special cry to your crush as he walks on by. Hearing the bell hanging from his collar from half a block away. You’re romantic, too? Who would’ve thought.

Don’t look at me like that, I’m not going out today. I can’t walk you now. Just say goodbye to him and wish him well. What’s his name? Oh yeah, you can’t talk back to me.

“Come on, Roxy.” Come sit here, come back, next to me.

Oh the sadness. They say that “it don’t last”. Yet here we are. Three months in and sadness is all I’ve felt.

I’m so depressed, Roxy. But somehow, I feel soothed petting you. It’s calming watching you sleep. At least one of us is at peace. How beautiful you are… when you are still. How I wish I could be still. Why didn’t I do this last year instead? I’d have unemployment right now, and I’d be spending time with the rest of my family. Instead of growing two departments that wouldn’t matter a year and a half later down the road.

I can’t believe the ten years I’ve spent in an industry I truly never loved. But what do I do now? I don’t have a degree in writing. I’ve no reputation or validity to my name when it comes to stories. I’ve applied to a million writing-related jobs. How can I be at the top of one company and not good enough for the bottom of another one?

Roxy, what big problems I seem to have. Oh you’re waking up. Please don’t give me that look again. I’m not going anywhere, again, today. Seven hours on the couch. “Maybe tomorrow will be the day, heh? Hungry yet? I’ll feed you anyway.”

No, Roxy, we have a week. You get one walk per day and you know walking time is in the morning. We’ve got one day down. How are you so calm? An armrest when I write, a hug and kiss when I cry. Company. You’re company through my sadness and my excitement. You are here for me, and I am here for you. The way your ears move like satellites. What do you hear, Roxy? How are you such a good listener. To everything inside and out. Your cute little nose, moving frantically as I cook. What is it you can smell? Is there anything in particular you like? Or do you love chicken because everything–well it tastes the same to you.

I wish you could talk, Roxy. Would you be wise? Or would you be foolish and annoying? I think you like keeping the mystery, though. I won’t ever know–will I?

Look at you play with your toys. Why do you bring so much peace? Do you stare at me and think (or feel) everything I do when I look at you? Or are you just spacing out and happen to be looking in my direction.

Okay, eight hours–let's go to bed.

“Roxy, shhhh!” How are you up at six in the morning just READY to go??

Okay, that’s fair, I did say in the morning. Let me just wake up a little and get dressed. We’ll be out the door in no time. Thank you for your patience, you have the patio open for now.

Goodness, Roxy! Must we struggle so much just to get your hoodie and your harness on? You know you want to leave, well we can’t leave until you stand still. You don’t even have to do anything but stand still. I’ll put everything on for you. Gosh you look so freaking cute in that hoodie, though. Okay. OFF WE GO.

How are you this excited? Sniff sniff, sniff everything on the way. You’re so fearful, not as curious as Cleo was. Oh hang on, my phone’s ringing. “Yes, mom, I’m walking Roxy now. Love you too, have fun. Bye.”

Even your little tiny poops are cute. Gross.

I can’t stop laughing. “Roxy, you know where we live! Stop avoiding the front walk and forcing your way around. We’re going home.” I’m exhausted.

Interesting enough, I fight going out as you fight coming in.

Back to the couch Roxy. You’re so calm. And accepting of your life. Though you wanted to be out much longer, you seem happy sitting here next to me. Happy we went out at all. You’re a good dog.

Roxy, Jeff texted me again. Doesn’t he know, things never end well. My heart can’t take another break. How I love him. I hate not being able to be with him. You’d think after 13 years we’d have ended up together or complete strangers by now. Over a decade in the “in between” is all we are. Ugh. Let’s charge and put the phone away.

Two hours later. I don’t think I’ve ever gone this long without exercise. Scrolling down my social apps doesn’t really help. I just feel worse for not looking like these girls that do. I might as well just put the phone away again. There’s nothing but bad news and negative reports anyway.

Sighhhh. I’m so sad, Roxy. And I think it’s the only thing about me that you know these days. Thank you for trying to cheer me up after another sobbing session.

Okay. Let’s go out again. Walks used to always help, anyway. I’d get bored at work and walk to the beach. I’d get stressed at work and walk to the beach. I’d come home from work and walk to the mall. I’d always move when I felt discomfort or upset. It’s been three months and even my legs are now begging to go out.

Roxy, look at you being still while I put your hoodie and harness back on. Thank you.

***And just like that everything changed.***

Roxy was calm and not constantly pulling on her leash. She was enjoying her own walk instead of rushing to mark or sniff territory. Strangely enough, I felt like I was breathing a new, fresher, air.

I walked these blocks just this morning. What is happening? Have evenings always been this beautiful? I guess that’s why they call it the golden hour. Look at her, Roxy, even walking under this tree seems like a different experience.

Even though we walked this morning, I feel like I haven’t seen the sun in years. Yet, here we are. As if we’ve been out the whole day. The sun isn’t burning intensely and threatening to start the day. It’s touching every leaf and every surface so, so gently.

Melancholy. The sun, the air… this moment, melancholy.

As I listened to the birds singing and watched them fly over this Roxy was now waiting for me.

There’s a small dirt path that leads to a hike near my mom’s. At the entrance of this path, there’s been a cement bench that I used to always go and sit at when I was overwhelmed. I hadn’t been there in over a year. Yet here I am, walking Roxy towards that bench. She looked at me and didn’t question the direction. She didn’t fight it–how weird.

I picked her up and sat her on that bench next to me. I thought about everything I’ve been thinking about these last few months. Somehow, right now, there was no emotional weight to a single one. All this time, I’ve avoided going out because of the “hassle” of walking Roxy and fighting her down the street. But this feels so right. I can’t believe I’ve refused this. Not just getting off the couch, but getting out of my sadness and giving in to my depression. More than half the world went through this last year. So much sadness has knocked on everyone’s hearts and I took it and made it so darn personal.

Sitting still is where my thoughts were unleashed. Everything I wouldn't have the time to think about because I'd always be on the go, came flooding in. A lot of thoughts and insecurities I didn't know I had... or kept. How ironic that it took this long to recognize my true freedom and sense of adventure. How beautiful is it the subtlety of adventure creeping up. How beautiful it is to see that even a walk outside your house can be an adventure… a much needed adventure. How beautiful is that not waiting for tomorrow can be all you really need?

This evening walk has changed my perspective and helped me realize just how over being depressed I am. I miss not just walking, but running. I miss going through the effort of driving to a hike. Or the hassle of looking for parking for 15 minutes for a long walk at the beach. Feeling the water and the sand as I listened to my music or a podcast. Reading a book as I tan. All of it, the effort… I miss all of it. I looked at Roxy and my heart filled. Thank you. Is all I could think. She cuddled next to me as we watched the sun set over the trees. Peaceful. Thank you, Roxy for this moment. Thank you for getting me out, up and moving.