To Chris

I’ve never understood how people can be so attached to their pets. Dogs are people’s best friends. I’ve heard it so many times, but I’ve never believed it. At least not until we bought you.

We bought you on December 4 2020. Back then, we didn’t know that you would bring us so much joy and happiness. Honestly, I kept telling everyone that buying you isn’t the best decision. Puppies are like babies. At first, I didn’t like you, and I don’t think you liked me much or anyone except my mum. I wasn’t spending much time with you and wasn’t looking after you. But then everything has changed.

My little boy, all our walks and cuddles, morning runs and sunrise watching, I would do it all over again only if I could.

When my parents left for the holiday, you became my responsibility. I remember how hard it was to look after you, considering how much attention you always wanted. But you became part of my daily routine. Waking up at 6 am and going for long walks with you became one of my favourite things to do.

You were such a smart boy. I remember how we were waiting for our grandma to come to eat with us, so you went to her room and started barking until she opened the door. Also, I remember how you loved sitting on the stairs and watching other dogs and people through the window. Or how you constantly barked at strangers in our house. But my favourite thing about you was that you always knew when I was upset.

I remember sitting on the floor of my room crying, and you were right next to me. You were probably very confused, so you started barking. But then you came closer and licked my face. You made a funny face probably because the tears didn’t taste nice, and it made me smile.

I remember that I was so upset that I didn’t want to leave my bed, so you spent the whole day in my room. Or how you would always run to me whenever I called your name.

Whenever I was away, I missed you the most. I know you missed me too. I know you used to go to my room every day looking for me. I always kept my bedroom and bathroom doors open so that you could walk around. I remember how I was studying till late at night, and you were very sleepy, so you sat next to me and started crying because you wanted us to sleep.

December 22, 2021, was when my heart broke into a million pieces. It was the day we lost you. I’m so sorry I wasn’t home, wasn’t even in the country. I’m sorry I never got to say one more I love you or watch another sunrise with you. I’m sorry for not taking you for a walk the day before my flight because I was too tired. I’m sorry for not paying enough attention the last couple of days before my flight.

I’ve never been this hurt before. I could feel the pain in my chest. Everyone could. The whole family was crying for days. All the memories we’ve shared, all the pictures of you that I keep on my phone, all the hugs and walks, runs and games, I miss it all.

I miss you.

I saw you in my dreams and woke up crying in the middle of the night. I cried for three days, pretty much nonstop. I cried whenever I looked at my phone or saw another dog. But then I felt better for a bit, at least until I came home.

Empty house, no toys on the floor, no one was barking when we walked in. Quite, even too quiet. But then it got worse.

Empty bedroom, your bed is not next to mine, you are not sleeping in the bathroom either, but I could still smell you. I left the doors open for you because it still felt like you’d come in any minute. I slept on the side of the bed closer to you so you could watch me sleep. I reached my hand to stroke you, but you weren’t there. I started crying. The light turned on in the corridor, so something triggered the motion sensors; I hoped it was you.

I hoped it was a bad dream and that I’d see you in the morning. I couldn’t sleep, the dogs were barking outside, the room felt different, I felt lonely. I forgot what it’s like sleeping in my room without you.

At 7 am, I went for a walk, but it felt different. It felt weird. Lonely. I had to change my morning routine. It feels weird not seeing you in the kitchen or on the stairs. I force myself to go for walks to get some fresh air, but it’s not the same without you. I watched the sunrise the other day, and I was waiting for you to come running to me.

You’ve changed my world. You’ve changed my perspective on pets. You’ve made us so happy when you came and so miserable when you left. You were the little furry ball of happiness and joy.

I love you. I will always love you, my best friend.

When you left, we talked about how precious life is and how you could lose everything and everyone when you least expect it. Maybe you had to go so we could see how much time we wasted arguing and not listening to each other when we should be cherishing and appreciating each other instead. Maybe you had to leave so we could be more careful with our lives. Perhaps you had to go so that we’d understand how important it is to find time for each other. Maybe you had to leave so that we could be a better family.

I’m sorry you didn’t live long. I hope you were happy. I think you were.

Sometimes I look at the stars and think you are up there looking after me.

My baby boy, thank you for loving us until your very last breath.

I promise I won’t forget you.

Love you always.