Things You Don't Know Before Owning A Cat

It is a truth universally acknowledged that there are certain things everyone tells you about cats: “They’re needy,” “They’re lazy,” “They’re hellions who knock my knickknacks off the shelves.” Everyone has an opinion. But what about what they’re not telling you? Here’s what I’ve learned as a first-time cat owner:

1. My cat’s more addicted to sunlight than I was caffeine in college.

Okay…so I didn’t personally drink a ton of caffeine during college, but my friends did. (I knew one guy who held a flashlight under his little glass of coffee and NO light got through, he thought espresso was weak.) Who needs sleep anyway? Your cat does, and they choose to take it during the daytime while basking in the sun, which is relatable. Then, at two AM they run screaming in circles, because, hey, cats are nocturnal. They’re awake all night. Every night. You have been warned.

2. Black cats aren’t bad luck, they’re just bad mannered.

As a proud owner of a little black feline, she’s a jerk. I haven’t had any terrible luck and I can’t tell you how many times she’s run across my path. The only form of “bad luck” she seems to be is when she’s running so close to my feet that she trips me. Or when I’m trying to read and she just comes over and lays across my book, but even that’s not bad luck, just bad manners.

3. Cats always land on their feet…except for when they don’t…

Let me just say: I may have the clumsiest cat in existence. She has run into the sliding glass door more times than I can count (We can always tell because there’s a faint thud followed by a very indignant meow!). She’s also been known to jump off things, miscalculate, and end up with her front paws on the ground while also laying on her side. So yeah, they’re not as graceful as they’re cracked up to be…unless it’s four in the morning and they’re stalking you, then they have all the grace and precision of their majestic ancestors.

4. They score very low on the tolerance scale for shenanigans and hooliganism unless they’re the ones causing it.

I love to torment my cat, not to be mean, just to see what she’ll do. Usually, she sits there until it looks like I’ve stopped. Then she comes over, bites my arm, and takes off running before I can do much besides laugh. It’s a give and take relationship, my cat and I, she lets me love on her incessantly and I let her be a general menace the rest of the time. That said, kitties usually just sit there judging silently unless what you’re doing directly affects them. If you’re like me, there is a very good chance you just enjoy testing your limits. And let me tell ya, cats have ‘em. You may not see their limits right away, but you’ll always know when you’ve hit their breaking point. Typically, it’s when they lovingly sink their teeth or claws into your flesh…good times.

5. Cats have allergies too ...they're also picky as heck.

Believe it or not, your kitty actually has allergies of their own, and some can be detrimental to their health. A few of these allergies include garlic, onion, lilies, and even certain fruit. However, there are human foods they can have such as cooked chicken or turkey, broccoli, and even watermelon…yeah, you read that right. My cat actually likes eating broccoli (but not watermelon), it’s a little weird since she’s a carnivore but I always eat cereal out of a cup, so who am I to judge? Oh, and just because your cat will eat the chicken shreds, doesn't mean they'll eat the chicken bits and vice versa. Heaven forbid the meat should be chopped instead of shredded.

6. Wet cat food smells terrible, seriously…terrible.

Like, you’d think “duh,” right? No, I did not…I was warned but no one actually WARNED me. I gagged. It was awful. Not to mention the fact that it smelled like those little canned sausages I ate as a kid…yep, never eating those again… Anywho, cats are desert critters so canned food is actually better for them because it gives them more water than they would typically be getting on their own. It smells so bad though. And since dry food is more like potato chips and snack cakes in her tummy, I’ll stick to the healthier option more often. Besides, she loves it and I love her more than I hate the smell…just barely.

Things I’ve actually said to my cat:

“Can you not attack the duct tape?”

“You’re a terror and a menace.”

“You found a bug, oh good girl!”

“Ack! Get your butt out of my face, it stinks!”

“Let me love you!”

“So help me, I will sell you for a corn chip.”

“Oh, please. You know it’s an empty threat.”

“Stop hiding the magnets!”

“How did you get in the dryer???”

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