The Hidden Inner World

I've always tried to imagine what animals think and feel when I'm with them. What common ground of experience do we have? Could we even comprehend their emotional existence? I think we can, especially dogs. Our last dog was a rescued Great Dane called Jess. A beautiful and gentle giant. It sounds funny to say, but she was a very respectful dog. She was incredibly gentle with children and older people, polite and reserved with visitors but unleashed her most outlandish behavior around us. Perhaps her best trait was that if you wanted a duvet day, she'd spend all day on the sofa watching TV with you. Truly dogs can be introverts too. Sometimes, I'd watch a nature documentary or rugby over something I wanted because those were her favorite things to watch. As adorable as it sounds, in reality, I think those excited her prey instinct, especially when tackles were made. But then again, do deeper primordial themes not underpin all that we find entertaining as well?

While Jess was an unforgettable companion in so many ways, my most cherished memory was in the first few days we had her. I love animals and I have to fight the urge to play with every dog I meet. I'm not sure why but I was painfully aware of the turmoil that a dog goes through during the process of rehoming. I know that dogs' owners are their whole world, even the ones who mistreat them. Another reason why we don't deserve them. Our dedication to them will never match their dedication to us. I often imagine what it would feel like to be taken from my family, placed in a kennel then placed in someone else's house with no explanation. No closure. Just the pain and confusion of separation and the longing that gets less and less as time goes on. Maybe it was her incredibly expressive and intelligent eyes but I couldn't shake the feeling that in the first few days Jess was lost, sad, and missing her old owner. I really felt for her. I wanted to do the best thing for her. The research I did at the time suggested that a dog needs structure. I got the impression that a calm gentle energy was the way. I'd yet again have to fight my urge to play with dogs for another while.

So I did that, I was calm and relaxed around her, went on good long walks and I was conscious not to overwhelm her with physical contact. I think I wanted her to know that in all the stress of her life being turned around in the last few weeks, she didn't have to do anything for me other than just relax. Around day three, I was in the living room and Jess was lying on the floor. I got up to make a cup of tea and Jess followed me into the kitchen and stood beside me. Not wanting to see what I was doing, just to be where I was. I scratched her behind her big floppy ear. She tilted her head into my hip. I didn't overplay the moment but it was perfect. That was the first time that I felt a bond. I made my tea and went back to the living room and she followed. A few minutes later, I got up and walked out the back to see what would happen. Again Jess followed and stood beside me. I walked around the garden and she didn't leave my side. And that was it. She followed me everywhere for the first month until she settled down into her new life. That day was about 12 years ago now but I still think about it from time to time. It's small and in the grand scheme of things, fairly mundane but it was significant to me. It felt like she trusted me and had made a choice to stay here in her new home. I don't know how other people feel about being trusted but it's profoundly important. When you're conscious of it, it evokes a physical feeling that's difficult to pin down but it certainly carries gravitas. Especially when an animal trusts you like that. Losing trust in someone hurts and it's bound to hit them in some way that there is a commonality of experience. It felt great to see her anxiety from the upheaval of her first few days quickly melt away after that. Shortly after that, she gained the confidence to play tug of war and wrestle. Not long after that, her full personality began to come out. It definitely felt like a turning point. I never took that trust or loyalty for granted, I think Jess deserved at least that.

As it turned out, it was her forever home. I'm not sure what her life was like before us but I know she had a great life after with us and we were rewarded with an absolutely fantastic dog who became a massive part of the family. In answer to my own question, I still don't know what the complexity or simplicity of an animal's inner world is like but as far as shared experiences go, there is plenty. Dogs like humans, experience deep bonds as well as the loss of those bonds. I'm sure that it hurts animals as much as it does us, maybe even more. We really do have a responsibility for animals that we have domesticated. We take a pack animal away from its natural environment and slot it into the increasingly isolated and sedentary world we have created. They deserve our best. Sometimes I wonder if the reason dogs get so excited to see us come home is because they think we're gone forever every time we leave. And just like us, dogs can be lost and alone at times and just need someone to be kind to them.