Spicy side of life

"@Simplycook please can you tell me urgently what is in your chilli glaze sausage mix!" My frantic plea rings across the Twittersfer. A cry for help, an urgency of a fur mummy freaking out. Thirty seconds after being ignored, I send my next tweet.

"@Simplycook URGENT someone answer me please. Is anything harmful to dogs in your chilli glaze sausage spice mix."

"@SJ_Covey The full ingredients are on the back of the packet," five painful minutes pass before their response.

"@Simplycook slight problem."

They were great and put my mind at ease that nothing (including the cardboard,) could harm him. They even very sweetly sent a replacement, cute.

Let's jump back in time now to the start of lock down and my dream of working from home with my loving pooch Bauer. Named after Jack Bauer, we named Bauer a couple of years before we got him. I wasn't ready, I won't go into this as the story is a little too emotional for a bit of light reading. Plus this doesn't actually lead us any closer to my frantic Twitter post.

My husband is fortunate he is self-employed and truth be told I'm always jealous of the bromance him and Bauer share. He tells me all the time, I'm Bauer's favourite and how much he misses me when I'm at work.

I never believe this though. The prospect of having my morning run with Bauer, and being able to go for a lunchtime walk through the beautiful Yorkshire countryside where we live on the edge of the peak district is dream come true territory.

Strangely as soon as I start to work from home my husband rents an office and leaves me and Baby B to our own devices. Apparently I am too loud and have too much fun on constant Microsoft Teams calls with my colleagues.

Rude.

What antics will B and I engage in left alone? I build an activity dog assault course in the garden, and we practised to show daddy when he came home--he is suitably impressed, honest.

Every lunch hour we went exploring our local countryside, and discovered so many secret hidden treasures. Including a stream which is walkable with time for a dip all in an hour which we never knew existed having lived here for four years.

The local graveyard, yes this may sound morbid and creepy however such amazing old gravestones and my imagination went crazy dreaming up all the stories of those families lying for eternity together. Not to mention Mrs. Smithers who is buried with her husband and her husbands second wife.

What on earth was he thinking when he wrote this in his will?

During the winter months like everyone else I adapted my office wear to what we affectionately call Zoom-wear. This, for myself comprises leggings and something warm like a jumper or sweater on the top-half. For dog walks I slip on some jeggings and team with my walking boots, and off we go.

When we arrive home, soggy and wet but happy from being out in the fresh air. I sit on the bar stool in the kitchen and train B to pull, my jeggings off from my legs leaving me with my under layer of leggings and ready for the afternoon of work calls. I will make an assistance dog out of him.

He nails this in a couple of attempts and drops them ready to go in the machine to be washed. Next I train him to collect his toys and dump in a neat pile. My pièce de résistance though is my next trick which completely blows my husbands mind. I say my trick but this is all on Baby B, he's a genius. All his brothers and sisters became guide dogs, but he never maid the cut, bless. However, their loss is our gain.

I ordered a lot from Amazon during lock down, don't judge me everyone did. Bauer is trained to go and collect the parcel left hanging from the letter box and bring the package to me to open. I videoed this and sent the evidence to Amazon which results in them sending Bauer a snugly blanket, some treats and an indestructible ball, which he--destroys.

So far so good, now my nomination for employee of the month for Bauer would be complete if the tale ends here in a happily ever after. As the start of the story alludes to, we have more to this tale. How do most people react when they are ignored?

Let's start this question with children, they throw a tantrum to attract our attention, showing off, thrashing around on the floor with arms and legs going every which way. With the potential to upscale, and go for the all out... I'll hold my breath until you pay me some attention. Personal favourite of mine as a child, (so my mother tells me.)

We move to the teenage strop, again something I am well versed in from my years as a teenager. With various forms of this behaviour, yet they all share one thing in common. To be classed as a fully fledged teenage strop they categorically must end with stomping up stairs (if your home has stairs.) Swinging the door to a room open as to test the door's connection with the hinges and pull it back to create the tremendous slam to end all slams. If said slam isn't satisfactory it is perfectly acceptable to repeat the above for added effect and to prove your hormonal furry.

Shall we examine the marital cold shoulder? This requires much less explanation. Familiar words which are part of this display of affection are... It's fine, I'm fine or simply...fine. If the later is used buckle up butter cup you are in for a bumpy ride. Slamming is also familiar territory with this rampage. Cupboards and drawers, however, they are slammed with much less ferocity. Because, the slammer owns the property whereas with the teen slammer their parents do and this is FINE.

On this fateful day I am to be educated in the canine equivalent of the child tantrum, the teenage strop, the martial cold shoulder. I am on an important conference call and our post lady pops something through the letter box. Distracted on my call Bauer trots to the door, and he's scrabbling and struggling. I am assuming the delivery is some sort of package he's trying to retrieve.

Our floor is tiled and if a package is flat on the floor, his lack of opposable thumbs makes this tricky for him. Therefore, he needs to dig the package up from the floor by manuring it to the edge and scrabble and try to bash chunks from the wall and skirting in equal measure. You will not be remiss in thinking this is not the neatest trick I taught him and the redecorating costs to make the hallway good again outweigh the novelty factor.

Refocusing on my call as I'm singled out with a question, I explain how sorry I am for my lack of attention, Bauer is trying to retrieve a parcel. To which everyone ohhh's and ahhh's at how cute he is. Back to business and I do observe how eerily silent the hallway, and the rest of the house appears. The call rattles on for what seems like hours and a dull dread settles to the pit of my stomach.

When I hang up I rush to the garden, on this beautiful sunny day the back doors are open, and lying on the lawn is Bauer surrounded by scraps of cardboard.

"What have you done?" I ask, its more of a wail as I am already thinking what the heck has he eaten and is he OK while thinking I am the worst dog mum on the planet. In trying to entertain him and me I put him at risk.

Here is the image I sent to Simply Cook, I googled the name of the dish and google parsley, garlic and paprika. The blended spices which my dog ripped to shreds and undoubtedly inhaled. Labradors are known as gannets, Bauer never has been, until he threw his dog version of the strop.

"Look mum I'm doing what you taught me and you tell me what a good boy I am, why are you ignoring me. RIP, SHRED, DESTROY, EAT." I'm delighted to say his only after effects are he is a little thirsty from eating powder, and he left the other 2 pots alone.

I cannot wish to spend my time with a more deserving employee through lock down. We will save the accident and resulting surgery when I treat him to a trip to the doggy day spa, where he needed surgery, no walks for a month and his leg stitching up. Perhaps he should be nominated for clumsy employee of the month. But that face, how can you not love his face. If you enjoyed this story please give Bauer a heart. Thank you for reading.