Rant #1: Pigeons. . . . Just Why?!

Ahhhh, the typical "rats with wings". This may be a pointless argument or conversation, but unless you have seen what I witnessed, Pigeons are probably the smartest creatures that people brush off. Now let me just gently ask, *sips a quick cup of coffee*, WHY ISN'T NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THIS?!!!!!

Welcome to the whole world, aka, the pigeons' toilet. These birds have managed to literally shit on humans and their livelihood. Especially in this pandemic, they aren't helping.

I do not know if god decided to make my life quite interesting by putting me in these interesting situations; where I am questioning my sanity, when it comes to pigeons, but I guess, you, the reader will decide if I am insane. It all started when I was young, I would say around 5-years-old. This was during winter break and my family decided to take a lovely, cold ass stroll around the scenic, tourist areas in Washington D.C. Back then I would consider it to be child abuse for walking around in the cold winter with wind, that made it feel like it was 5 degrees Fahrenheit. However, since we're Latino, we decided it was the most American thing to do.

After a few hours of walking around and crying about how I hate my five years of existence, my mom reminded me that I could be at home doing chores instead of this. And just like that, a switch in me put on a cute smile and glossy puppy dog eyes and gave my mom a huge hug. Knowing my fake ass was dreading the whole thing. A little while later, I have told my mom that I am getting hungry, as the typical Latin mom, she always carries some form of snack with her, this time she had banana nut bread from 7 eleven. She gave me the pack as we all sat down in front of the Lincoln Memorial.

Everyone sat down, except for me who was obviously was bored, I opened the plastic wrapping of the banana bread and took a small first bite. As I was enjoying the snack, I was walking towards the other side of the memorial, away from the family, though I was still in sight. There were a bunch of high pillars and columns above me that decorated the memorial all around.

For a moment I stopped for a bit because I felt like someone was watching me. I looked back only saw my family but they were talking among themselves, and since it was so cold, we were the only people there. I looked all round the memorial and still could not see anyone. Strange. I take another step and I see a shadow go by so fast and swiftly. I look up and froze. Holy Shit!!!!

Like the scene from Finding Nemo, I see all these birds looking down at me, eyeing, sensing me, hunting me. I would say at least 30 bald, headed looking ass pigeons stared down at me with such hunger. I stood still thinking like, "Ole Hell Nawwww! I'm bout' to die!"

I took one step forward and they followed with their head. I took one step backwards and they followed. I am going to die. It was like the scene of Jurassic Park, where the T-Rex was starring at the flare that Alan Grant was holding in order to drive away the dinosaur from the kids. In that situation, the flare was my banana bread, and the t-rex were the pigeons.

Even though it was freezing cold, and I was still shivering, I started sweating profusely. I knew in my head I cannot yell for help; my family will tell me to either put it away or drop it and run away, but since I was really hungry and I did not feel like running away, there was only one thing left for me todo, fight for my five-year-old life.

The pigeons all begin slowly creeping on me, like I'm prey, as more of them start lining up behind each other like some sort of pack. I take one step forward slowly, there eyes locked on with mine, I knew I had to use my little kid wits to outsmart these flying predators.

Bending my knees forward, I am am going to make a run for it. With my knowledge, I feel like I can outrun these birds with my speed. Slowly moving the bread into my mouth, I take another bite, already finishing a third of the Banana Nut bread.

I lunged forward and ran as fast as I can towards the end of the pathway, and a cloud of pigeons began chasing me. Out of fear, I began yelling as my family stopped their conversation and started watching. Instead of doing anything, those evil shits started laughing their asses off. Wow! If I wasn't a Latino and a little kid that had a very noticeable lisp, I would have called the cops.

Lets be honest, I wasn't the skinniest kid in the block, or the house or skinny at all. In, fact my brothers claimed that I had the body structure of a baby seal. It's not my fault that grandma likes me better and feeds me good. I don't do exercise, I just play with my toys and eat whatever is given to me. Probably the only exercise I do is when I am eating her dumplings, my jaw was immaculate because of those dumplings; man were they chewy. (Life hack, if you like playing with slime, you don't need to buy any, all you have to do is let yourself go and eventually, your belly will have the movement of sagging water bed.)

Since my five year old body has developed tiny 5 year-old boy tits, whenever I ran, it felt like to small water balloons slapping against my chest. (Slap! Slap! Slap! Slap! Slap!) But even in this body weight, I pushed myself to make it through the monuments and get to my family. Clearly, my family has been yelling at me to drop my bread and run away, but my fat ass was hungry to so, I embraced myself for this battle. Taking another bite of the banana bread, I ran to the other monument that had a small roof. As I ran the pigeons came down hovering over me trying to take a bite of the bread like old war airplanes. If you guys have seen Peter Jackson's King Kong, and remembered the scene at the end where all the planes keep flying buy Kong, on top of the Empire State Building, that's how I felt. The airplanes were the pigeons and I was Kong protecting my precious, which in this case was my bread.

As I arrived at the monument, the pigeons flew upwards since the entrance were narrow. I was temporarily safe. Looking around my clothing I realized, I have been hit. Those fuckers, have pooped on my right shoulder. Oh hell to the mother fuckin' naw! This was a Champion jacket, and it happened to be my favorite. Now it's just got personal. Peeking through the entrance to catch a glimpse, they were all perched up in the apex of the surrounded monuments. In that moment, I knew what I had to do; I had to John Wick this situation, because even if I ate the banana bread here, they would still go after because I swatted them, so initially, I pissed them the fuck off.

In that moment, I wrapped the bread and shoved it in my pocket. I put on my hood and zipped up my jacket. Looking around, I was ready to face these enemies head on. I was by myself. I felt like I was a lone warrior. I felt like I was Captain America in Avengers: Endgame where he was standing alone with half a shield, facing Thanos and his army.

Checking to make sure that shoes were tied, I get ready because I was going to run my ass off to my family; not because they can help, but as revenge for laughing at me, I feel like they can have taste of what I'm going through. The Mario Kart countdown played in my head. (3. . . 2. . . 1. . . Go!)

I dashed through the entrance and ran towards the sound of laughter, which were the assholes of my family. I had my hood over my eyes and my hands above my swatting, when I felt as if I keep hitting pigeons. Since I was 5, I thought I was some sort of hero that was facing a final boss right, so my dumbass decided to yell out, "Y'all ain't gonna catch me alive!!!!!"

I was determine that I was gonna make this a win for me, because the pigeons would have backed the fuck off, when I got close to my family. Turns out that wasn't the case at all because soon I started to hear yells and screams from my family telling me to stop running. At the moment, I thought they were complete dicks and wanted me to continue to embrace this suffering of pigeon attacks. So I decide to take off my hood to see what was happening. My crack-headed ass decided to take off my hood but still decided to run. I realized that I ran passed my family and that the pigeons have stopped, but since I was still running I never realized I was running to a fountain where my whole body flipped of the edge and dunked into the water of the fountain.

(The video above is how my family described how I looked like. . . .assholes!)

Who knew that I was the first person to do the ALS ice bucket challenge before anyone else, except it was a fountain instead of a bucket. Seconds later, my mom picks me up off the fountain and started screaming at me, saying how I should have let them have the bread because we were gonna go home and have dinner anyways.

But at the end of the day I reach into my pocket, unwarp the bread and continued enjoying my snack. HA! I win!