My Kitty Bee

18 years of love. 18 years of cuddles. 18 years of memories. Time was conflicted. It moved at supersonic speed yet in the same moment movement was akin to that of a snail.

"I am afraid it is not good news. She is suffering with Kidney Disease, Heart Disease and there is a growth on her belly which indicates she may also be fighting a Malignant Cancer. At this point it would be unfair to allow her to continue to live and suffer. We would advise Euthanasia to free her of all pain and suffering."

"Breathe." I had to remember to breathe through the tears. I was faced with a situation I had hoped would never happen. I wanted her forever. Instead I was forced to say goodbye to a precious companion.

My beautiful tortoiseshell cat. My Kitty Bee.

Grief. Intense sorrow. Endured alone. These are just a couple of meanings behind the word I continue to experience and through this season of loss I have come to discover a number of things.

Cry when you need to

It is ill-advised to intentionally allow the build-up of emotion associated with loss of a loved one. Someone may feel as if they need to stay strong but there is strength in weakness. To be broken means you have the opportunity to heal. Crying releases emotion which is healthy and initiates the healing process. Since our last goodbye, I have allowed myself to cry every single time tears have blurred my vision and while the pain is difficult to endure, the love I’ll always have for her is so much stronger.

Sit with your emotions

Following the immediate loss of Kitty, I experienced a variety of emotions, some of which caught me completely off guard. One of those emotions was anger. I could not understand why I felt angry, I was confused as to where it originated. However, after working through the emotion I came to discover that I had felt angry due to the undeserved sickness and suffering which she ultimately lost her life to.

Additionally, I was forced to endure feelings of intense despair, disbelief, sadness and regret. Every single one of these emotions merged into one, which inevitably caused tears to fall without pause. I have learnt that it is messy to sit with a bunch of negative emotions; however, the ability to process them and to then replace those emotions with positive ones through the reminder of treasured memories really does help in terms of healing.

Pain and Joy can coexist

Grief is intense. It can feel contradictory. The pain associated can be excruciating. Yet, for me, in the same moment the joy of remembering silly things that my cat did meant that I was able to laugh through the constant tears. I recalled the numerous nicknames we gave her and the meanings behind those; Little Miss Mischief – for all of her mischievous antics!

Muppet – for all the silly things she did. Pumpkin Face – since she had orange patches on her beautiful face. A slight tint of blue coloured the tip of her tail, taking after her mom. Her colours were distinct. They were unique. They were beautiful. I realised that it is possible to feel the pain of loss while at the same time experience the joy of every precious memory.

Create a scrapbook of memories

Grief is extremely difficult to process. One thing I love to do is take photos. Every photo captured is a treasured moment frozen in time. I knew that spending time on the creation of a scrapbook would help me to process the grief. Every photo has a unique story associated.

It may be feel bittersweet to look through photos whilst creating a scrapbook of memories. I found that doing this really helped me as I knew I could always see Kitty and be reminded, not only of the mischief she got up to, but also through the quieter moments where she would stretch out her paw to my hand and use her claws to gently grip my hand.

I do believe that those memories you would consider special should always be remembered and what better way to capture them than through a scrapbook?

“When the cat you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.”