My Boss the Maneater

First, you hear the sound of her footsteps padding down the hallway carpet.

Next, her shadow appears on the wall, growing smaller and smaller as it steadily makes its way toward you.

Oh, God. She’s Coming. You think to yourself.

But, before you have time to act, it’s too late. She is sitting right before you in all of her 13-pound, fuzzy, tabby glory, furiously staring.

It’s Daisy.

Don’t let her looks and sweet name fool you though. She is a fierce ruler that reigns over our home office with intimidation and an iron fist. She takes no prisoners, and she likes things done her way, or you’re never going to hear the end of it—literally. One wrong move and you are inundated with the shrill, piercing screeches of her meow in your ear.

Braaaahhh, braaahhh, braahhh, braahh, braaaaahhh! She cries out in a tone that doesn’t resemble a cat's in the slightest.

She continues, relentless, not easing up until the task she desires you perform is complete.

While it may sound like the most hostile of work environments—and trust me, sometimes it is—productivity is at an all-time high!

To get Machiavellian up in here, it is better to be feared than loved, right?... right?... For her sake, I sure hope so.

That’s not to say that we don’t adore her. Our little Queen of Thiccness, as I lovingly refer to her. With a pudgy bowling ball-esque physique; a belly that swings just above the ground as she runs, creating enough momentum to almost throw off her balance; and a deep love for snuggles (even though every time you touch her, she seems as if you have offended her in a way that cannot be put in words, only an unceasing glare that she maintains as she purrs, rubbing against your hand) what’s not to love!?

Sure, we adopted her with no real knowledge of her background. All we were told was that she was found in a garage. Leaving us to wonder, how did she get there? Who put her there? Where did she come from? Who are her parents? All of which, the world may never know. Although, we theorize that she may be the most cuddly, adorable spawn of Satan that ever roamed the Earth, waiting for the right moment to steal our souls. With a tail that shakes like a rattle snake’s and curves on the end, striking like a scorpion’s stinger, there is definitely something underworldly about our precious Daisy.

However, all of these crazy things about her are what make her such an effective boss during this at-home work period.

Have you ever had a boss hide in the shower while you go to the bathroom, only to spring out as you pee to accost you, reminding you that you should be working not scrolling Instagram? Honestly, I hope not. If so, definitely call your Human Resources department, because it's only kind of cute when it’s a cat. Seriously, call them. I’ll wait.

Luckily for her—and rather unluckily for me—my house doesn’t have an HR department, and if we did it would probably be Daisy. She is fantastic at keeping people in check and laying down the law if you haven’t guessed by now.

With her running the show, I have gotten screamed at on the job more than ever, but my procrastination is at an all-time low and I work with a speed that is unparalleled. Therefore, I would like to nominate my little Bubba (we call her that to make her seem more approachable) for EmPAWee of the Month, because she works harder than any other four-legged boss I know.

Oh no, I can hear her coming….

Braahhh, brahhh, braahhhhhhh!

I gotta get back to work. I am so fired!