Misty and Me

A time to heal, after a very long journey. I am a survivor in everyone's eyes except my own. I was beaten down left hurting and scattered. Lost in my mind of what really mattered. I was lost and alone in my broken mind struggling to find purpose and understanding of what I had been through. A higher meaning a reason at the very least. Everyday just melted into another, I was coping and settling. Support was never an issue luckily that was something I had in spades. However, I was lacking purpose. Someone who needed me, who depended on me. Someone who was in need of my help and not the other way around. Having a constant state of needing to rely on people to help me surrendering into their commands and instructions not really having a voice because really there was only one way out of this realistically. A very hard and unappealing way, still necessary though. So I did what I was told to do and it left me a shell of a person. Grateful without question but scarred and tormented which left me feeling very isolated in my feelings.

My husband saw this in me no matter the amount of effort I had tried to conceal it. He was quite good at reading me in ways I would sorely be unable to see in myself. I found that even his purpose was wearing thin and the burden of my care had taken a horrific toll on him, on us. His support and faithfulness was unconditional, always. But I too saw the horrible emptiness in his eyes. He was keeping me alive but at what cost. His eyes were cold and worn he was tired albeit exhausted mentally and physically. But I said thank you, I said I love you, he repeated it back to me verbatim. He meant the words just as I did. But we were both worn and tense.

As time passed slowly it meandered to a point where I had finally got to a healing stage. A time of hard work into recovery. But also a time where I began to gain some independence in small quantities. Also a time of loneliness. He was going to have to return to work leaving me very much alone with my thoughts, My thoughts were not kind to me at all. quite treacherous if I were to be honest. Between the hollow words of I'm ok, I'm fine, nothings wrong. With words that stung with a bitter taste such as Have a good week at work. Knowing now I am going to sit here scared. Thinking about all the misfortune that could come to bare. Rabbit holes that were sometimes impossible to extract myself from. Tears that flowed without warning. Even my best efforts again couldn't hide my thoughts.

Fearing my weakened state could have an adverse effect on my health. My husband brought into my life a small yet energetic ball of black, white, and brown fluff. A beautiful little girl named Misty to join our family. Her eyes glimmered, filled with curiosity. Also filled with mischief, which she accomplished at least a few times a day. She was going to be my salvation.

We went on walks, in the sun and the rain. The doctors said exercise was important. I was getting it without even realizing I was doing so. This little girl needed to go outside so I was obliged to do so. Her dislike of kibble led me to prepare her meals. Rice with beef and peas were her favorites. I found myself caring for her in the most gentle way I could. I treated her like a fragile baby. For good or bad in some cases she was my sole distraction. My husband was away for work 5 days a week only home on weekends. Misty and I spent all our time together.

As she grew and matured into adulthood I was thankful for the walks we had taken when she was just a puppy. Walking her now was a pleasure and several surgeries later I truly require her patience and obedience when we walk together. Over time her ways turned to anxiousness as I would see fear in her eyes. I found that her fierce loyalty took a toll on her when we had to spend time apart. Wishing I could spend every moment with her but there were times she would be alone. Her mind would race and I wasn't there to calm her. I could feel her pain for I knew it all too well. Never was I going to allow her to endure that, not after all she had done for us. I worked with her day and night till her mind did indeed settle into calmness. From the time she was tiny we were always together she was safe. When she began to doubt that it broke my heart, not understanding the unrest it caused her.

Misty became herself again when she realized she wasn't alone that we would always be there. That the time she spent thinking was causing her upset that was transformed into paralyzing fear, was not her reality. So I taught her what she taught me. She has purpose, she is loved, and needed as well as irreplaceable. Misty needed us and we were there for het. Now years later even in her older days she still curls up on my bed and keeps me safe. The conversations can be a bit one sided at times but I know she understands. The constant attention I had bestowed unto her has come full circle and the time she spends with me now is that of a watchful eye.

My Misty Loo, as I call her, helped me find my feet again. I cared for her and she cared for me. Her loyalty is unmatched, her love unconditional. As we age together we are closer than ever. She knows me and I know her. Because of that closeness when my mind should wander I look at her. I see how much I mean to her, I see what I can do for her. This clears my mind, this fills my heart. I do not expect anything from her because she has already just given it to me so freely with her heart so open, so innocent to what love and caring is. She is the reason for my survival. Misty healed a fractured family that was faced with such unimaginable difficulties. A husband who was strong and brave but secretly sad and scared. A family left uncertain of a future or even how to bring life and joy back into the light.

This mere dog, was clearly meant to love and be loved. To be cared for and to care. She without even knowing healed us. With every nuzzle, and all the belly rubs. With all the times she refused to eat unless mommy fed her. With every walk in the rain under a large umbrella. With the long talks about absolutely nothing that ended up revealing something. This mere dog taught me to live again. To open my eyes, my heart and love with purpose. She gave me purpose, but more so than that she was meant to be with us, she is our family, she is and will always be that little ball of fur that stole my heart from the moment I saw her. We are each others salvation and I wouldn't have made it without her.