I Will See You In the Morning

It was always a treasure to wake up next to my dog, Monique, every morning, minutes before she woke up from her peaceful slumber. She was always curled up in a little ball, Paws or paw covering her eyes to block the sunlight from kissing her eyelids. There was something, harmonious, about watching her sleep. It's not hard to describe, but I feel like no words can truly express the amount of security, relief, happiness and, I suppose, meaning there was there saw; gifted just by her presents alone. It was sign that everything was going to continue to be a okay. A promise that there would be more memories to make and have with each other.

The morning of August 29th, 2017 Monique woke me up first that time, nuzzling her wet nose into my neck. Something she had not done since she was a puppy. But, I wasn't complaining. I remembered that morning was bliss and peaceful. The wind chime played it's gentle music outside my window while the birds chirped their sweet melodies to one another. Gray clouds engulfed the morning sun, seeming, like it was going to rain. So, there were no regrets or sense of guilt when I emailed all my collage professors that I wouldn't be in class that day. Monique and I were way too comfortable to move. The rest of that Tuesday was spent in bed scrolling through Instagram, watching the world through the tiny screen of my cell phone. We ate cheerios without milk and listened to Shane Dawson on YouTube as background noise on the TV. Her cuddles were always so comfortable.

A photo of the beach came across while I was scrolling and the idea of going instantly to over. Monique and I had never been to the beach together before and since I finally had the car and money, it just made perfect sense to take the trip. The timing could have not been any more perfect. Excitement filled my spirit knowing she would absolutely love the new experience. My imagination played a movie in my head of her running on the sand by the sore as I threw a ball or something, playing fetch. I wondered if she would chase the waves since she never seen or experienced sea water before or if she would try to to chase the sea gulls trying to play a game. The date to go to the beach was set and sealed for that up coming weekend, after splurging on Amazon for dog toys, dogs outfits, and other beachy things we may have needed.

Monique and I were an inseparable pair. If I could have taken her to work or school, I would have done so without a second thought. All my friends and family knew and loved her and her cheery, energetic /quirky personality. I had never imagined life with out her. The thought never even crossed my mind because she was still so youthful.

"Monique, I will see you in the morning." was the last sentence she heard from me the comfort of my room that day. I was leaving to work my night shift and didn't want her waiting all night for me. She always waited for me to say goodnight and tuck her in with love. Or else she would wait by the door until I would come home. Never in a million years did I think I had to say goodbye to my loving friend, and loyal companion that day. All it took was a phone call later that night from my dad. His voice cracked as he explained what happened. A short walk that turned into a nightmare, affected my a person texting while driving. I thank the lord that my dad was no where near that car. Whoever it was drove off with the reasonability of the devastation he or she brought.

Red traffic lights tested my patience. Filled freeways fueled my frustration. Anger boiled in my blood with every wasted second that past. My mom held Monique wrapped in a towel as I drove to an emergency 24hour Animal Hospital. Monique's soft cries broke my heart but I was grateful that she was still alive. My dad stayed behind to see if that car could have been found with my uncles that wanted to help. I drove in silence hearing my mom whip her tears.

Red stained her cloths, red stained my hands.

The team of doctors worked fast and took her in immediately. All I could do was watch the white doors swing back and forth as they disappeared into the hall. The clock read that 3 hours had passed since they took her. Which felt like I held my breath for just as long. I prayed that night, knowing that God had not heard from me since I was little. It was something that couldn't hurt to try.

When the doctor finally came to deliver the news, she made sure to be careful and honest. The heartbreaking news was that there was nothing further they could do for Monique. She had a 20 percent chance of making it through the night, and if she did, she had an even smaller chance of making it through recovery. The matter of the fact was that she was in pain and she would continue an extremally painful journey for the rest of her life. The Doctor's honest suggestion was to let her go comfortably while she still could. I was ready to give all that I had to save her life, but, if that meant for her to suffer for the rest of her life, I though it would have been really selfish of me to do so. The decision was not at all easy. Any anger and anxiety that I felt just disappeared. All there was left were tears.

The room we entered felt cold, I didn’t even try to hold my tears as I brought myself to Monique's eye level. She wanted to perk up in spit of either the lack of strength in her body or the high dose of medicine she was under. My hand rested on Monique's shoulder, while my mom stroked her ears. My mom thanked her for coming into our lives as her tears hit the metal table where Monique laid. Anything else my mom said is a blur for I didn't know what to say myself.

I didn't have the heart or courage to tell her the truth, that this was good bye. I myself wasn't prepared to say those words. The meaning behind it was going to be permanent. Out of the many payers I pleaded, thankfully, one was heard. Just for a moment, time felt like it stopped. Her light honey eyes were focused on mine. Not a signal blink broke the connection of our gaze between us. I wanted to hold our gaze for as long as I could, burn the image of her face in my memory so that it would never be forgotten. My last words to her were, “ it’s okay, you can go to sleep now. I will see you in the morning, Monique.” She had been so brave, she looked relieved at the sound of my voice. I repeated the same thing over and over again until I felt her last breath. Her eyes did not blink or shut but I knew her soul had left. My only regret was that I told her, " I love you" just a second too late.

The hardest part after her passing was that life went on. She was no longer there, next to me or in the places I would normally find her. There was such an emptiness that is brought me to tears from time to time on random occasions. The packages from Amazon for our beach trip were discovered on my front door days later. It was just enough to bring me to my knees at that point.

after a year, her photos on my phone stated to somehow make me feel so far away from her. As if it wasn't enough to make me feel that she was spiritually there or watching. The hurt was still there, the emptiness was still around me. So, I decided to get my first tattoo of her. Sleeping, because I would like to believe that she is just waiting for me on the other side. My parents would have never approved of a tattoo and to this day they still don't know that I have one. But I don't regret it. Monique was a huge part of my life and I was more than happy to get something that represented her permanently on my body.

I miss her so much, and wish she was still here. I cherish all the memories I had with Monique, but the one memory I will cherish most is the last time she looked into my eyes. Even though it was her last, even though it may not have been the happiest memory, I was able to take that moment and keep that memory of her eyes. I hope she knew how much I loved her and that I was there with her until the end.

That moment in time was the last Memory of her. A memory I will truly cherish for as long as I am able.