I Dutch-Ovened Myself

First and foremost, I HATE the word "fart." I like to do it, but I HATE the word! So, expect all the insinuations of THAT WORD imaginable in my story.

Have you ever heard of a Dutch-Oven? IF NOT, a Dutch-Oven can be defined as, for the purposes of my story, ...well...I'll let the following picture define it for me:

Thank you, someecards for not making me type THAT WORD.

The warning signs were there along the way.

I was so happy to be pet sitting again for my special guy. Together Grifen and I were having such a good time watching Cable, eating popcorn on the couch and cuddling that I didn't heed the obvious omen. He stinkered, of course, after eating his beef jerky treats, but not often.

I Dutch-Ovened myself on a cold and snowy night in February (The word "virus" had just come into our mainstream vernacular. "Quarantine" was not even imagined yet.) The room was dark and cold. I could not see anything because the moon and stars were covered in a gray sky. No light was streaming through the windows.

I was grateful to have Grifen hogging the right side of the bed. His body temperature was keeping me warm. My face was cold, so I pulled and tugged on the blanket as I rolled over onto my right side. I finally got the odor-trapping quilt up over my head. And, Grifen's butt. Unknowingly, his butt was inches away from my face.

Grifen, my main dude, truly didn't and doesn't comprehend the term Dutch-Oven. Most dogs don't. Or do they????

Mutley might have a faint idea of what a Dutch-Oven is. Perhaps he is the culprit behind those dastardly deeds. Perhaps he has a following of thousands on his Instagram and Tik Tok accounts.

Grifen, however, is without Internet access. He lives in rural Northern Ohio. He doesn't understand that "pfffting gas" from his butt under the covers envelops his aunt in a odorous...oh god....I have to say it...warm fart vapor.

Just as I was getting comfortable in my fetal position, head under the covers right next to Grifen's butt, he expelled. His "silent-but-deadly" took a few moments to release it's pungent power.

Without moving a muscle, I said to myself: "I just Dutch-Ovened myself." Pause. Not moving the covers because I was so cold, I uttered, "I just gave myself a Dutch-Oven." The expression on my face automatically formed "Stank Face" as I cringed in the dark.

Of course, I wasn't the one who "broke wind" even though I enjoy doing so. Nevertheless, because Grifen could not pull the covers over my head intentionally, I WAS THE ONE who Dutch-Ovened myself.

Any of you Dutch-Oven yourself? Or has your dog BFF ever enveloped you in an odorous....oh god, I have to say it again....warm fart vapor? Under the covers on a cold and snowy night in February? (It doesn't have to be cold and snowy or even in February, for that matter. It could be in the dead of summer. In an air-conditioned room so cold you could hang meat. Like in July.)

Anyhoo, with Pinterest, (Thank you, Pinterest!) it's easy to imagine celebrities experiencing "stank face" under the covers because of canine flatulence -- just like me.

Ozzy Osbourne apparently has a dog that can rip some "whoppers."

Looks like he might be ripping off a "whopper" in this photo actually.

Queen Elizabeth probably knows all too well the "Corgi-cut-the-cheese" smell.

What about Kat Williams? He loves his m*!*f*!n dogs. He most certainly detects "aaassss juice" immediately.

Oprah has rescued many doggies. I wonder if she gets upset when one of her pooches lets out a "precursor to sulfuric turds" on her 1000-count Arabian Cotton sheets.

It gives me a warm under-the-odor-trapping-covers kind of feeling to know that we are all alike. We are all the same: celebrities, regular folks like me, first responders, doctors and nurses, military and everyone isolated with their doggies in this trying time.

I hope I've cleared up any confusion as to what a Dutch-Oven is. In closing, I want to make it crystal clear: A loving companion like Grifen can keep me warm anytime -- winter or summer -- with his butt only inches away from my face. Whether he follows Mutley or not, Grifen's love is worth all the repulsive odors that may erupt or waft gently from that back side orifice of his body.