Bear

We have a beautiful fall night , didn't we? The sky could have been more clear. I don't believe we'd ever taken a walk with so many stars watching us, right? The cherry on top of this bittersweet night was that lightly gusting wind. We love having having the wind whip our hair around. up and down, up and down. We enjoyed the heck out of that!! My hair is longer than yours was but we are both brunettes!

Life can change so quickly. One moment in time can change the course of a life without any warning. That's what you did to me.

I wasn't supposed to be your PAWSON. My sister , Liz, found you at a farm in East Brunswick, NJ. I looked at her and said, " what the hell could you be thinking? We lived in a nice mobile home that was comfortable for us then she walks in smiling with the, " Look what I found? " thing she used to do. I was floored. This was not a small dog. He was a black lab and not yet fully grown. I couldn't imagine where he was going to have any fun here.

My sister had started her journey to be the " Crazy Cat Lady." somewhere in her 30's but cats can be wishy washy about what they like and where they want to sleep. Liz really wanted you to be her cuddle buddy but you picked me. I wasn't all that thrilled about this at first. I really didn't want a dog at all. I love dogs but we already had twenty Crazy Cat Lady cats, to be blunt you couldn't swing a dead one without hitting a live one and now she wanted to plop a dog into this crazy cat soup?! I didn't think adding a dog to this mix was a good idea but she wanted what she wanted. You were awfully pretty and so sweet.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

Liz decided to name you Bear. I thought it was a little flat considering the way you carried yourself. You were so dignified, yet humble. The way the best Kings ever were. I would have named you Tsar or Tenno ( heavenly sovereign, Japan) but Bear you were and Bear you stayed.

Liz brought you to her bedroom night after night but by morning you would be laying next to me and my beautiful boy cat, Elvis. He didn't seem to mind sharing part of his pillow so I just got used to having you with me. I did kind of like having you close. The only time I ever regretted this decision was when you didn't make it outside fast enough. There I was very happily asleep, if there is such a thing, when the .I was awoken by a warm tidal wave of urine that splashed over everything, me, the floor, the bed, actually everything around us but you! Completely GROSS!!! You pretty much shot that " Royal/ Regal thing I thought right out the window. " Bear Dammit!!! What the Flock!!! Liz pops her head in to see what I was yelling about. She then proceeded to laugh so hard I thought she was going to have an asthma attack. " I guess he needed to go out" Thank you for stating the obvious. And... you were standing on the floor now actually smiling at me like you did a good thing!! BTW, Elvis was not amused I either got better at letting you out because, thank goodness, that never happened again. I would have had a heart attack!

ELVIS AND I FORGIVE YOU BECAUSE WE COULDN'T IMAGINE OUR LIVES WITHOUT YOU!

I realized this year, 2021, that you were my very first Emotional Support Pet. I have been grateful since that day on that we became, US. You were always there for me when I needed a friend. You were with me through all of the night terrors. I could just look at you and feel your breathing and know that everything was fine. You were probably the only being on Earth who understood me inside and out. You were there for the Chronic Major Depression, C-PTSD. ( that's right, I have the special PTSD, not just the regular kind.) and all of the anxiety. Liz would go to her stupid Jackass's ( she liked to call him her boyfriend) house every weekend when she didn't have to be at work. It scared me to be alone in our mobile home. We lived in a very safe area with pretty awesome neighbors accept for this one guy, George. remember him Bear? You actually walked away from that person anytime he tried to get your attention. You really didn't like having him close to Liz and you really, really didn't like him being near me. i don't want to waste our time on George other than to say he was a disgusting pig who liked to hit on the young girls. The weekends with this person just two houses away were a nightmare. He played his music really loud all night long unless someone called the police. I, unfortunately, was going through a period in my life where I believed there was always someone who wanted to kill me lurking just around the corner whenever I started to have anxiety. I was afraid to use the phone because I was afraid that he would hear the tones of the phone as I was dialing and come kill me after all. George brought this out regularly. I used to shut all the lights off and hide in the bathroom. I sometimes would sleep on the floor in the bathroom with you, You were so patient on those terrible nights. You would let me cry into your spun silk hair. I could just binge cry for what seemed like hours. You would lay down next to me and lick the tears off my face, chin, chest, and sometimes cry snot. You were such a trooper. I don't think my bestfriend, Linda, would have licked cry snot off my shirt for a million dollars. She was another safety net but she has a family to take care of. She would talk me down on days when I couldn't stop the head noise but you were always the go to guy I relied on. I don't want to leave out the contribution that Elvis made to the three of us in the bathroom... He always made sure to purr while he was falling asleep in the jacuzzi tub. He didn't like hugs and really detested ugly crying. He had his own ways. Purring is very effective though. Bear, you took a lot of burden off of Elvis. He was getting old. He needed to retired. He needed a soft pillow, cat pot and food. He was all good. I think he was afraid to drown in all of those tears too, Cats, Right?

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR STAYIHNG WITH ME. I'M SORRY I NEVER THANKED YOU.

We did have some good times. We liked to go walking on the cool fall nights that we loved. We also had a baby pool. Liz bought it for you., well, us. We couldn't have a big pool so this is what we settled on. I was like, what kind of an adult dumb ass would sit in a baby pool with her dog all day. Me. I would do almost anything for you. I was happy to be a dummy. I wasn't sure how you were going to feel about it at first but you settled right in. We would hang out, you just laying there chillin' and me reading a book. I was afraid you were going to fall asleep and drown.

BEAR, I ADORE YOU

Liz wasn't just crazy cat lady, was she Bear? NO she was NOT. I always knew when she had done something that she thought was going to make me angry. You hadn't been in the family all that long. We were laying on the couch watching " Dancing with The Stars" when I heard it, " Sister, look what I found. I braced myself because all that meant was she had picked up another stray cat. This time, however, it was another dog. What could I possibly say? She wanted a dog to cuddle with at night. She pretty much knew as long as you didn't mind I wasn't going to say anything beyond telling her that this was Nuts! Liz leaned over me to speak with you and said, " look Bear. I found you a new brother." In your typical style you raised your head just enough to see the new kid looking at us, you yawned like you were going to swallow your whole face and went back to sleep. We named him Andy after my last partner. This was a concession from my sister to me. Did I ever mention that you snore?

This wasn't the reaction that my sister expected but it was a pleasant surprise for her. I knew you weren't going to care. Bear, do you remember what happened that night? We went to our room and did the usual bedtime routine. I logged on to AOL to read my email and maybe chat some with one of the ladies I had met in a support group. You settled into your spot on the bed next to Elvis when all of a sudden, look who showed up at our door just minutes later, Yes, it was Andy. He looked at me for a second to acknowledge my presence and then proceeded to hop up on our bed to snuggle next to you, Elvis and my Freakin' pillow!

" What the Hell? Liz come and get Andy please!" It only took her a minute to get to our room but by the you and Andy were spooning! " No no, NO no NO NO NO!!!" Liz took Andy back to her room but as sure as the sunshine always comes back so did Andy. He didn't come back right away. he made his way back to us sometime in the night. I woke up with your big head and his smaller head and a very mad Elvis all squished together on my full size bed. I was the human in the middle of a doggie sandwich. If it's possible that dogs fall in love and somehow get doggie married that's what happened that night,. You two stayed together until death did you part.

Do you remember the fight that Liz and I had one day because she was tired of me laying around doing nothing all the time? I have no excuse for that really. She was right. I wasn't doing a damned thing around the house and I rarely left the house. I was suffering with severe depression again. I had never really gotten over having to leave my job simply because I couldn't force myself to go there anymore. The C-PTSD took over my entire thought process for quite some time. You were a champion through all this Bear. I mean, for Pete's sake you did everything I ever asked you to do. You stayed with me constantly. You didn't complain you just loved.. I decided that I should get up and cut our cute little lawn. I wanted to let her see I was sorry and was going to try harder. She was sitting across the street with some of our friends. You were right with me. You were great at playing catch. Andy was as well so I would throw the ball in the opposite way of my mower and one of you would bring it back. I was dizzy the entire time I was mowing and throwing but the new medication the doctor had put me on just days ago could have that side effect. You knew something was wrong, didn't you? You were letting Andy do most of the fetching today. You stayed closer to me than usual when I had the mower on. I managed to finish the last strip of grass when down I went. I remember watching my hands as if I were in a dream. I heard my name TERESA!!! TERESA!!! It was my sister screaming for me. I heard the running feet. I kept wondering why Liz was mad at me. I felt your hair and weight on my legs and then nothing. I don't know how long " nothing" lasted ` The next thing I remember was hearing a strange voice tell Liz that you had to be put in the house.

Bear, you have never been a threat to anyone. When we walked around the park kids came over to pet you. The other dogs wanted to play with you, I knew you weren't going to leave me this time. You weren't snarling or making a fuss. You had just taken possession and that was that. I had fallen right next to the walkway of our chain link fence. I heard another strange voice calling my name, " Teresa! Teresa! can you hear me? " The answer he wanted, " yes I can hear you, " was rolling around in my brain but I didn't have the strength to spit it out. You weren't going to give up on me either were you buddy? You had planted yourself and were being very stubborn about moving. I heard that you had to be physically picked up twice and that was no small job since you weight about 100lbs by then. " Teresa? Teresa?! can you open your eyes, open your eyes Teresa." It was the strange voice again. " I'm sorry loud voice behind my head. I'm tired, let me sleep. I just wanted to sleep." It's funny. I was skeptical when I first heard that hearing is the last thing to go but it's true. I could hear off and on but I couldn't do anything to make them happy. Honestly, I wanted them to shut up.

Bear, I'm sorry if I scared you. I'm sorry they made you go away from me. If I could have I would have wanted to bring you with me. When I really woke up 4 days later. I was told that the new medication wasn't metabolizing right in my body and in fact had poisoned me. I really needed you. My partner. I felt so exposed and panicked. The thought came back that someone was going to find me in this hospital and kill me. I wanted to go home and stated that very loudly several times. The doctor kept telling me that they needed to monitor my medications very closely for at least two or three more days. DUDE! WHAT!! NO!!! I won't do it. I was adamant when my sister came that I was going home to my Bear and my Elvis and my bed. She knew how panicked I was. Our Mom had been an RN for over thirty years. She spoke to the doctor and explained what was panicking me. She also told him that I can be exceptionally stubborn when I want my own way so it would behoove him to at least try to sedate the voices in my head a bit. She also told them if they had any notion of putting me on a Psych hold, well, they probably wouldn't believe what would come out of my mouth and how loudly it would come.

Bear, Bear, Bear, that's all I said. Whenever I was asked anything that first day all I said was I need to have Bear. One lady thought I said beer. She was visiting my roommate . I told her to go to hell. Yes, I was sedated just enough to forget my manners. I was a bit more sedated after that outburst. I did apologize in that medicated haze. I was watching TV with my eyes closed, probably dancing with the stars, when my sister came in. She brought me a huge Teddy Bear!! ( I love Mr. Bear but he was no match for you.) and a small jewelry box. I asked her how you were. I asked if you missed me as much as I missed you. Liz said you were fine and prompted me to open the jewelry box, She had taken a clip of your hair and a clip of Elvis's hair and put them in that box for me. It made me feel better. She said, you would be fine until I got home. She also said you were laying on my bed and didn't want to leave it. I have tears in my eyes just talking about that day. She knew how much I needed you.

I was in the hospital for eight days. I talked to you on the phone almost everyday. I heard you breathing at least. Liz said you knew it was me and you were waiting but still staying mostly on our bed. When I finally got home you almost knocked me over. Kisses and kisses. Liz told me that you hadn't stopped watching the EMT's or Paramedics for a minute. You didn't do anything but watch. One of the Paramedics who I had worked with told Liz what a good boys we had. You weren't just good you were always amazing. I felt like the most blessed person in the world that you picked me. You stayed with me for the entire time I was in bed. We ate together and everything. Andy went back to Liz's room. It was just you me and Elvis.

I'M THE LUCKIEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD

We found this path together shortly after we moved here. Nebraska. What in the hell were we doing in Nebraska. Liz had decided that she wanted to move and since her pain in the ass bestfriend decided to embarrass herself by believing her Highschool boyfriend was going to leave his wife and marry her. we were whisked away to Nebraska. Liz really didn't want to go without me. I wanted her to be happy so I agreed to go. I regretted that decision pretty much the day after we got there. You cannot take fast and fancy NJ and transplant it into cow crap Nebraska and expect to be happy. I mean, our neighbors were Amish and my sister has no filter!!!

We were used to spending time at the shore. We could stay there for hours usually in October or November we'd take several trips just to be where I could feel peace. It took me a while but I gave up. I was having brain searing migraines on top of all the other happiness. You were still loyal to a fault. You stayed next to me through all the puking , There was A LOT of puking. The whining. Yes. I was a whiner. I was also in pain.

YOU ARE AMAZING AND NO ONE LOVES YOU MORE.

We found some sense of peace on the back porch. We could sit back there and let our hair down again. It always felt so good. I hugged you so much. You were starting to show your age. You had some arthritis but I started to notice you were having some trouble breathing. You stopped sleeping on the bed and seemed to want to suck the air out of the air conditioner. I asked Liz to look at you. She had started going to school to be a Veterinarian's assistant until it made her asthma to much to cop with. I felt so bad about that. She came to look at you and told me you looked, OK. " he's getting old Treese. "

NO YOU AREN'T GETTING OLD. YOU'RE FINE.

Bear, let's just sit here on our bridge, over Plum Creek. This was a great walk. We loved this one. It was on this nice College Campus. We stopped to let folks pet you all the time. The kids were really nice.

PLUM CREEK SWEETHEART

This will be our last walk here Bear. It's time to move on. I had followed my instincts and brought you to see your Vet. Corey. I told her what was going on with your breathing. She listened and touched. " Bear is 18 now. that's a long time for such a big dog. Their joints usually cause them problems." I knew Corey had something to tell me, something I knew but wanted to hear ," no, that's not it." I asked her, " He has cancer doesn't he?" She shook her head yes. She said it seemed to be not only in your lungs but in your liver and kidneys as well." I was horrified to think I'd made you suffer. You didn't seem to be in pain. How could it have gotten so far, I felt like I let you down. I'm so sorry Bear. I'm so, so sorry. If I had realized sooner that you were so sick I wouldn't have let you suffer. Corey told me that you didn't really seem to be in pain, not even when she really pushed on your kidneys. She said she felt lumps there. Corey started to tell me that we could try different medications. I stopped her. " No, He has been my bestfriend for almost twenty years. There's no way I'm going to try medications on him in hopes that he might feel slightly better. I know having cancer in your organs is devastating. I had to let you go. I hope you felt me lay down on the floor next to you. I stayed with you on the floor like you had stayed with me in the yard. I sang to you. " take my hand and we'll make it I swear.. ' Bon Jovi. I kissed you and kissed you. I told you how much I loved you. I hope that like I had heard others speaking to me when I was out cold that you could hear me. I cried into your fur for quite some time. Corey was crying too. She loved you too. I don't know anyone who had ever met you that didn't love you.

TWO HEARTS ONE LOVE FOREVER.

It's time my sweet boy. I made my way down to the creek through the grass and mud. I opened my boys urn and let some of his ashes float on the water just like he used to lay in our little baby pool. There was some salt water in there as well now. My tears never stopped. I sat there for about fifteen minutes before I saw flashlights pointed at me. I still had you with me. I could still be brave. I climbed back up with the rest of your ashes. There were two Nebraska State Troopers waiting for me. I explained what I was doing there after dark. They let me finish what I needed to do. I needed to let you fly on the wind. I walked into the wild flowers and surrounded by daisies I lifted the rest of your ashes up and let the wind take you from my hands a bit at a time. I was crying hysterically by now but I was also kind of quiet about it. It felt odd having these strangers witness a very intimate moment in our love story. You meant everything to me. you were my strength, my courage, my emotional thermometer. You always knew exactly what to do. I hope you found Daddy when you got to the bridge. I know he would love you for me until we meet again.

RAINBOWS ARE BRIDGES MADE OUT OF KISSES THAT OUR FRIENDS CROSS OVER TO BE WITH OTHER MR'S AND MISS'ES UNTIL WE COME TOGETHER AGAIN.